My My Jojo

Bye Bye!

2012-01-10T21:34:00.002+11:00

For some time now I've been fielding enquiries from concerned devotees of this very blog wondering why I haven't been posting. As I have no doubt you are all aware, my last post was in November.......this is a writing gap never before seen in the life time of My my Jojo. Many of you have had suspicions and today I am afraid I must confirm your worst fears: this is the end of My my Jojo as we know it; this is the last post.

When I started this blog, I was a loose cannon. I was a broken hearted 24 year old advertising exec and I not only hated my job, but to a certain degree I hated my life. After a quarter life crisis in 2010 I broke free from the suffocating constraints of the advertising world and slowly but surely attempted to get my life in order.

Here today in 2012, I stand before you as a 26 year old newly qualified English teacher and while I may still be a loose cannon, I like the path I have chosen to take and dare I suggest I like my life? My heart is not really that broken these days either......in fact, in the words of that vapid thesbian Nicole Kidman my heart is open which is surely great news for all those lonely boys out there.

This blog has been a cherished part of my life and I have taken great enjoyment from forcing my opinions on the world and indeed spreading my crass stories and amazing turn of phrase to the masses. There will be many of you out there that can now stop living your life in fear as it means you no longer run the risk of becoming a key feature of my posts but do not get too comfortable.....because something better is coming- yes that is correct, I spend my nights writing what I hope will become the great Australian novel. How good.

Either way, this is toodloo for the moment I suppose. Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting and thanks for allowing me to imagine you all as my minions......having minions has always been a dream of mine.

xoxo
Jojo

It's Time.

2011-11-28T22:37:00.000+11:00

I think we all know that I love weddings and it's no secret that I love the gays. So naturally I am loving this new campaign by grass roots community advocacy organisation GetUp fighting to end marriage discrimination.

They've produced this amazing clip which I kid you not, brought a tear to my eye.

This is a cause that I completely support. So watch, enjoy and maybe share with some of the more closed minded people in your life.

The 2011 ARIA Awards: A Critique.

2011-11-27T22:19:00.002+11:00

So I am just casually slouching round watching a bit of Sunday night TV. After attempting to watch the return of It's a Knockout which by the way was a complete disappointment (can they not stage it in a venue called 'the Knockerdome?) I naturally switched to the Aria awards not only because it would be rude not to, but also because I wanted to see if it would be as much of a train-wreck as last year. I can happily say that actually the 2011 Aria award are a hell of a lot better than last year! But they've still got a long way to go - let's face it, they're hardly the Grammys or the VMA's.

Now as with any live TV event, I have been tweeting up a storm the whole way through. I'm essentially a judgemental bitch so naturally for every awesome moment (Ricki Lee looked BANGING and the Wiggles getting inducted = AMAZING) I could find at least two average moments. Shall I list a few of the standouts?

Guy Sebastian's live performance. Um that outfit was completely rubbish and as for those cheesy out of time drummers ......ugh.
How are the Living End still winning multiple Arias?
How are Justice Crew even getting nominated?
Awkward banter between Dick Wilkins and Stevie Nicks.
Gotye and Kimbra's duet. Golly gosh I love that song but it's just so gosh darn awkward watching a duet take place. What does the other person do when they are not singing? The whole, staring into each others eyes thing just did not work because they have never been in love and they simply are not acting like someone they used to know. Also, it pains me to say it, but they both seemed a little out of tune. I'm sorry Gotye, I do love you and usually you have a voice like velvet but tonight.....well I don't know.

Now look the broadcast isn't over yet and I probs will find a hell of a lot more to hate. But I have to say that I think the grand daddy of horrific moments tonight was Delta Goodrem's performance. OMFG. While I applaud the way she can play the piano and sing at the same time, she really massacred that song. Firstly, her face was contorting into some heinous expressions.....probs what she looks like when making love to her jail bait Jonas brother BF - we've all noticed he's stopped wearing his purity ring but Delta, do you really want to be the one that stole Nick Jonas's innocence? I mean fine if you do, but just remember thats on you now....forever. I guess even worse than her "oh Nick, harder!" facial expressions was the sheer force and aggression she chose to sing the song with. Holy crap Delta. Way to ruin a Wendy Matthews classic. It's suppose to be a soft reflective song, and you were singing it as a tribute yet here you are belting it out like Karen Walker (of Will & Grace) after about 15 G&Ts! Frankly I thought it was the worst Aria's performance since Madison Avenue performed at the 14th Annual ARIA Awards and Cheyne Coates chose to not only wear a sparkly cowboy hat, but after acting like she was pinging off her head, required a glass of water to be brought out for her to swig on while sashaying round the stage.

Now like I previously mentioned, this years ARIA Awards are a hell of a lot better than last year, I just really think we have a long way to go. My suggestion for next year - more cracking acts like Boy & Bear, Art Vs Science and the Wiggles (yep I went there) and less of the washed up has beens because they really do drag the whole show down.

I'll be watching - begrudgingly

2011-11-26T00:19:00.002+11:00

A few months ago now, I casually blogged about the possibility of Big Brother returning to Australian screens. Today that dream became a reality when it was announced that a rebooted version of the franchise was bound for the hallowed screens of the nine network in 2012.

I can't even begin to express how pumped I was to hear this news however, I then found out that the host of the series is going to be that washed up, second rate former ballroom dancer Sonia Kruger. Now look on one hand I suppose I should be thrilled that they didn't somehow poach that desperate Natalie Bassingthwaite from Channel 7 because not only is she a pain in the butt but she is also the worlds worst autocue reader and I just couldn't handle spending another few months of my life watching her squint into the camera SYTYCD style......but then on the other hand it's bloody washed up Kruger. In case you haven't worked it out.....I hate the Kruger. I loved her in Strictly Ballroom (Best Aussie film evs) as the lovely Tina Sparkle, but every thing she has done since then has been ratshit and has led to a steady demise of my opinion of her. There are a plethora of things I hate about Sonia; I hate her laugh.....she sounds like an obese teenage biggest loser contestant struggling to breathe; I hate her mutton dressed as lamb split to the thigh dresses - you're not Liz Hurley love; I hate her cringe worthy banter and her fake TV personality; I hate her expressionless over botoxed face; I hate her yellow blonde and her bogan twang but the biggest thing I hate about the Kruger is that actually, she just looks like a massive bitch. What is she even doing on this show anyway? Kruger the cougar is probs just hoping she can chuck a Gretel and pull some 20 something contestant after his eviction from the house. Ugh. Sonia you make me sick. Haven't you got the memo that the whole cougar thing went down the drain with the demise of the Moore/Kutcher union?

Now I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am going to boycott the show all together due to Channel 9's crap choice of presenter (come on, even KAK would be better than this) because at the end of the day, I love nothing more than getting obsessed with trashy reality TV.......but I want everyone to know that when I tune in, I'll be tuning in begrudgingly.

How Topical

2011-11-25T17:47:00.001+11:00

Every now and then I have a serious regret in life;

I regret that I never threw any coins in the trevi fountain.

I regret wearing tencil jeans circa 1994.

I regret cutting my lucious locks in to the sensible bob I am now rocking.

I regret my hook up with a co-worker at the Hyatt Hotel Canberra.

I regret going into the advertising world for 2 years.

I reget consuming the dumplings served to me by an anglo at the Hyde Park Noodle markets this year.

I seriously regret that I didn't come up with the great idea for Suri's burn book first.

Now.....I have one more to add to the list. My cronie Tegan from my old days kicking round the health advertising world just posted this blog on my FB wall.

http://kyleandkittens.tumblr.com/

OMFG it is AMAZING.

A blog that juxtaposes Kittens and Kyle Sandilands - two of the worst creatures of the Animal Kingdom. Somebody track down the weapon that came up with this glorious tumblr because I would like to buy him or her a drink.

Goodbye @MrsKutcher.....

2011-11-25T08:55:00.000+11:00

Cougars everywhere are undoubtedly distraught with the latest news that their idol Demi Moore has filed for divorce from her Toy Boy Ashton K. I know what you're all thinking; They seemed really happy but lets just take this for what it is - living proof that a 15 year age gap just isn't going to work out.

Know I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in to younger men, but even I have a limit. At the ripe age of 26, I think it's safe to say that I could never knowingly go someone under the age of say 24 (23 at most). I knew this Ashton and Demi thing was doomed from the start. Sure it was the union of two unbelievably hot people, but lets not ignore the facts: Demi was old enough to be his mother and I am sorry but none of the diets, the hair appointments, the face lifts, the botox, the saggy knee correction ops, the teeth bleaching, the detoxes, the weeks at the health spas, the coconut water, the hair dying and the old pelvic floor exercises were ever going to overcome that one fact.

I think we all saw the signs early on. For me personally, I knew the relationship was only one step away from a demise when Demi (aka @MrsKutcher) started uploading casual pics like this on to twitter:

You know......just to show the world she's still got it.

Oh Demi, you never did learn did you? You were never going to cut it no matter how banging your rig looks in a slutty bikini. At the end of the day, you are 48 and that husband of yours is 33.......so when a 23 year old blond bombsehll/bimbo wearing too much make up (and probs not enough clothes) approaches your little tiger cub in a seedy San Diego nightclub, he's probably not going to say no.

Move over Todd Carney......

2011-11-25T08:30:00.000+11:00

I've always thought 'Vile Kyle' Sandilands was a bit of a knob and while I admit that since the demise of the Merrick and Dools show I have been a committed Kyle and Jackie O, its only because they are the best of a bad bunch. Now Kyle is no stranger to controversy what with the whole Magda/Poland issue not to mention the live to air admission of rape by a 14 year old girl. Through it all I've kind of had Kyle's back (um hello, he is a shock jock) but this latest fiasco is leading me to wonder if Kyle Sandilands is indeed the Todd Carney of the radio world?

Regular readers of this blog will know that I am often perplexed by the misadventures of the promising but idiotic Todd Carney. Here he is one day hurling abuse at 'fat chicks' and getting booted out of every night spot in Canberra, then the next minute he's winning Dally M medals, then 5 minutes later he's been dropped by the Roosters after his latest booze fueled misdemeanor but then somehow been offered a contract with the Sharks. It never ceases to amaze me that he gets given chance after chance, after chance. Frankly I just can't understand how in the world Carney still has a footy contract and now I think the same could be said for Kyle; How the hell do you still have a job buddy?

Like Carney, old mate Kyle is a terrible role model although in slightly different ways; he's borderline obese, a workaholic who's romantic life is in tatters ("I have loveless sex with a lot of models" and he consumes more coca cola per day than old mate Ivan Milat did pre lock up (believe me.......its a lot) and he just doesn't know when to shut up. I guess the one thing that separates Carney and Vile Kyle is talent. You can't deny that Carney, amidst all his faults is a naturally gifted footy player but Kyle? Well he's a hard worker and I applaud the way he's made something of his life, but at the end of the day is he even that good?

Ha I guess we only have to look at the ratings to find out the answer there.

Over the hill?

2011-11-16T23:44:00.000+11:00

As previously mentioned, I recently attended the nuptials of my great pal Myrtle to a dashing Scottish lad. It was a marvellous occasion all together and while I might have been the drunkest person at the wedding (is giving Ratface a casual shoulder ride on the DF at a wedding whilst wearing a cocktail dress ever appropriate), it was an amazing night and one I am truly glad to have been a part of. Anyhoo Myrtle and her new hubby are heading back to their home in Honkers come Friday so we had a little fare the well shindig at the Sheaf in Double Bay. What a fricking experience.

There we were. A casual clique of pals all on the wrong side of 25, sipping our Pinot Noir's, enjoying our Seafood Paellas and gas-bagging about the world. It was terribly dignified. At about 9.30pm a DJ arrived and starts cranking the tunes. I decide to head to the ladies room to freshen up. I line up for a free loo and after being asked by some skank who was clearly bused in from Parramatta or somewhere equally as heinous if I knew anywhere she could get some 'gear', I realised I was the only person waiting in line who wasn't wearing sky high cork platform heels and a belt as a skirt. By the time I arrived back at our table, the dance floor had really gone up a notch and was now inhabited by a gaggle of slappers and two blokes who had clearly dumped a few too many dingers and were now having issues keeping their eyes from rolling into the back of their heads. I was in 18 year old hell but I won't lie, my first instinct was to go smash a few vodka raspberry's and get on that DF with them.

As I looked around at my awesome group of pals who are mostly blissfully in love, I realised that the days of dressing up like hoes and spawning for men are well and truly over. I'm extremely thrilled that my special and awesome group of friends are seeing, dating, married to or engaged to such a great bunch of guys but I'd be lying and FYI I can't wait for the next wedding, but the realisation that the days of GNO's (Girls Night Out) and woo girling all over the shop might be over is a little saddening.

As I looked at most of these trashy sluts grinding their asses up on rank, acne ridden 18 year old blokes with complete contempt, for the briefest of moments I wanted to be one of them. I'm now so over the hill that I'm gagging for my youth to come back to me. But then I looked at my pals once again and remembered how happy their happiness makes me and my yearning for my youth became a quickly distant memory.

So for now I am somewhat happy being over the hill I suppose. I might not be able to skank around the Sheaf in crochet on a Wednesday night but golly gosh I can whack on a frock and absolutely kill it at a wedding. I know what I would prefer.

Pippa you've failed me.

2011-11-16T10:00:00.000+11:00

Greetings followers,

Sorry for the epic hiatus re blogging. I've been too busy preparing for, then enjoying the wedding of my pal Myrtle and have hence been otherwise engaged. Anyhoo wedding is now over and alas I am back to procrastinating from university which gives me ample time to do what I do best - trash talk celebs and make outlandish unPC statements that could potentially harm my future career.

Anyway, there's no better way to welcome myself back to the fray of the online blogging community, than to have a casual go at old mate Pippa Middleton who I am starting to view as an aristocratic version of Krtistin Cavallari. I once boldy stated that the only thing Cavillari has going for her other than her amazing rig, is the fact that for a brief amount of time she inhabited a house in Laguna Beach that was designed by LC's dad. I now view Pippa in the same way. I mean her big break in life has come from the lucky coincidence that she too once travelled the same fallopian highway as HRH the Duchess of Cambridge, happened to live in the same house as her for a few years (childhood ) and got lucky with a well cut dress and lots of media attention at the Royal wedding. Really.....she may be a slammin hottie but what has Pippa Middleton ever done?

I guess the thing that has really got me categorising Pippa with Kristen C, is her latest fashion disaster:

Leggings.

As Pants.

Worn by Pippa.

Can't help but notice the ankle boots and pea coat - clearly not on the way to the gym......so what exactly is the excuse? Also noting that the said leggings have no embellishments or detail which leads me to believe that these heinous 'should be worn as an undergarment' pants, are from the budget section of Marks and Sparks. Not good enough Pippa! I mean really girl! What were you thinking? You're going to be the Aunt of the future King or Queen of England and if there is anything I've learnt about high class dressing from my icon Blair Waldorf, it is that ladies do not wear pants, much less leggings!

As many of you know, I've been very publicly resistant to the old leggings as pants fad because frankly, it's just gross.......but recently I've slightly caved because yes they are comfortable and when worn with a longer tunic style top to cover the crotch/bum region, I think they can look ok.......BUT I AM NOT THE SISTER OF HRH THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE AND THERE IS NO CHANCE I'LL BE GETTING PHOTOGRAPHED BY SLEAZY PAPS ALL DAY.

Ohh....and the Leggings I wear are Camilla and Marc and feature gold hardware embellishments; so even if I did get famous overnight because say my brother Teddy seduced and then got betrothed to Eugenie, Beatrice or God forbid Lady Louise, at least everyone wouldn't think my pants were tacky and cheap.

Do you give a continental?

2011-11-02T11:01:00.000+11:00

Well it's that time of the year again. I just got an iCal invite to Christmas Lunch (in my own home......you'd think Lozdog could extend a verbal invitation) which means that pretty soon my parental unit will be getting in my grill trying to get me to edit the Craig Family Christmas letter. Yep that's right; we're one of those families that sends out a two page letter dealing the trials and tribulations of the last year or so. My parents are obsessed with spreading the word about what's been happening within the fam. There is a paragraph on each of us, though truth be told, I don't usually garner as much space as my siblings but either way the information is being passed on to the receiver and my parents love it. Don't kid yourself though - it's the sugar coated version. My paragraph in last year's letter should have read the following:

Jo spent the majority of the year hating her job and binge drinking. She had a lovely trip to Japan with her friend Ray where she blew all her savings and went over her limit on two credit cards, frivilously spending on sashimi, designer handbangs and booze. The best part of the trip was undoubtedly when she got blind drunk in a karaoke bar in Roppongi with some men from Google Japan and shamelessly threw herself at the heir to the Suzuki fortune. She had a quarter life crisis round the time of her 25th birthday and decided to throw in the towel on her mediocre advertising career because frankly she just wasn't very good at it. She's looking forward to going back to uni to do teaching next year - we're thrilled because this means she is finally doing what she is told.......Rex however is not pumped that this means another year of Jo living at home - mainly because he spends too much money keeping the girl supplied with full fat coca-cola. We broached the subject of her sexuality earlier this year and she assures us she is not a lesbian. No boyfriend in sight yet but we live in hope.

But actually it read something more along the lines of:

It's been a busy year for our Jo, working hard as an Account Executive at JWT Sydney and spending time socialising with friends. She spent a wonderful two weeks in Japan in early October, visiting Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Miajima and Osaka. The highlight of her trip was dressing up as a Geisha in Kyoto and of course visiting the museum in Hiroshima - she tells us it was a very moving experience. The Japan trip provided Jo with some much needed soul searching and after careful consideration, she has decided to return to university to study a Bachelor of Secondary Education at UTS. She plans to be an English and History teacher.

Now look I find it lovely that my parents are proud of their family and want to share our achievements with the world - no matter how sugar coated the version is that they choose to present. The thing is though, you've got to wonder how interested everyone on the Christmas letter list is in getting the family review from the Craig's? Maybe they couldn't give a continental what we've been up to. Perhaps they're thinking "you're a distant relative and I really don't care" or "we we're mates back in the 70's but I wouldn't know any of your kids if I tripped over them and thus couldn't care less about Jo's budding teaching career".

My best pal Sue and I are moving out of home in the next few months (looking for a third housemate if anyone is keen) which means we'll be starting to do grown up things like sending our own Christmas greetings. I probably won't be sending my own personalised letter sharing all my family biz because I just don't think my mates would be that up for it - what I am thinking though is going down the old personalised Christmas card route with my face on the front......because while the message inside may be very generic, who wouldn't be up for a great pic of me in a reindeer sweater, red ribbon in my hair and wearing big old cheesy smile. That'd go straight to the mantelpiece I'd say.

Coming soon........ to a mantelpiece near you!

Didn't they almost have it all?

2011-11-01T19:48:00.000+11:00

Like the rest of the western world today.....and perhaps some of the rest of it, I was shocked, disheartened and dare I even suggest saddened by the announcement of the Kardashian/Humphries divorce. Frankly I haven't been this rocked by the demise of a marriage since the shock divorce of Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. I won't say I've lost hope in the institution of marriage all together.......but this news has really hit me for six.

Now I know what you're all thinking; Kris Humphries was seriously batting above an average. Couldn't agree with you more. Many people are throwing out the old publicity stunt call here but lets just take this situation for what it actually is. Kim Kardashian is now the wrong side of thirty and was gagging to get married. Kris Humphries is an average looking, mediocre basketball player who'll probs be out of the league in 4 years - he saw his meal ticket and pounced. The fact of the matter is that it just didn't work.

I think we all saw it coming, but like the soft hearted secret romantics we are.......we all wanted it to work. Hell I needed it to work!

My Aunt Vril has commented on the whole shamozzle saying there is a lesson to be learnt here. Like the cynic I am, I suggested maybe we should all avoid marriage......but alas, wise old Vril said there is a sure fire way that Kim can avoid this kind of thing happening in the future:

Don't spend too much money on a wedding; don't do it in the public eye; and it's always good to discuss and come to an agreement on certain basics, such as which city you are going to live in.

Amen to that.

Move over Biebs......

2011-10-26T21:40:00.000+11:00

In case you haven't got the memo from my prolific tweeting or repeated facebook posting, I am as of last night, literally OBSESSED with British boy band One Direction.

Until about 8pm last night, I had never heard of these absolute heart throbs. But then some of my little pals gave me a casual birthday card emblazoned with One Direction fan artwork and said their gift to me was introducing me to One Direction. We whacked on the video clip for What Makes You Beautiful and I was instantly hooked. These lads are the business.

I've been gagging for boy bands to make a come back for a while now and One Direction certainly satisfy my needs. They're like the hotter, preppier, cheekier 2011 version of 5ive and FYI I think I am in love. Everything about them is amazing. Their flippy hair, their pastel chino's, their jumping with the beat of the music style dance moves and the constant desire to throw their arms around each other in video clips. Frankly I think they're exactly what the music world has been missing for the last couple of years!

Don't believe me? Take a look at the clip below. You'll be hooked for sure. Yes I know you'll be slightly put off by the rank gronk chicks they've cast in this vid but just focus on Harry (checked shirt) and Louis (red chino's) and any doubt will go away.......

Arigato.

2011-10-25T14:53:00.000+11:00

Well it's the biggest day of the year on facebook for me. In case you didn't get the memo......it's my birthday. I've got over 1000 friends so it's no surprise that the networks been basically blocked by well wishers trying to hook me up with a birthday greeting on my wall. To those of you who've wished me well, I thank you. To those of you who haven't.......there is still a few hours left and FYI I prefer a call or text to facebook BUT I'll be at uni till 4pm so anytime after then would be best.

Now with all the excitement of the last few days, I forgot to post my annual birthday list so I didn't get the watch I was gagging for, the bunch of fresh pink peonies OR the sass and bide wallet I adore......but there's still time, the day ain't over yet.

What I did get was a casual surprise party on Friday night and I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my pals - It was amaze. I still can't decide the best part: Donga spilling 3 different glasses of wine (and breaking the glasses) on Mac Daddy during dinner, the leopard print fedora, the sweet DF action, the fact that my BFF (quite the space cadet) actually pulled it off or the oodles of attention.

Either way it was a complete dream night. The hangover on Saturday was horrif but nothing a medium cheeseburger meal couldn't fix.

Thanks so much pals. You're all the best.

Jules stop it, you're embarrassing me.

2011-10-20T23:53:00.000+11:00

As I have made blindingly obvious on this very blog before, I am an ardent monarchist and take great pleasure from ANYTHING the Royal Family do. Naturally I am tickled pink that our Queen is currently touring our great country. What I am not tickled pink about is our sham of a Prime Minister's sheer lack of manners in her relations with the Queen since she arrived. Way to disgrace the country J-Lard!

Not only did she somehow choose to ignore the memo to wear a hat when meeting the Queen as she alighted her plane at a military airfield in Canberra, but she had the audacity to barr off the whole curtsying tradition choosing instead to do the most awkward head nod/hand shake combo I've seen since I was hung over at my university graduation and had to execute a similar gesture to stop Vice Chancellor Ian Chubb smelling the booze on my breath.

Now look Jules I know you're a raging republican (gross) and you are from some dodgy suburb in Adelaide which I understand is also the murder capital of Australia, but come on love, your churlish reception to our beloved Queen is not just ridiculously impolite but it actually completely disrespectful.

This kid can do it and she's only like 5. Why the hell can't you? It's not that hard.

I know you're living in the hope that Queen Elizabeth might die soon (God forbid) and you'll get to have that referendum that you've just been gagging for, but look at the scoreboard: Queen Elizabeth is a picture of health and will probs live another 20 years AND the tide of republicanism in our great country is at its lowest ebb in more than two decades.

So my suggestion is this: give old mate June Dally-Watkins a call for some etiquette advice and stop embarrassing the country. Otherwise you might find yourself knocked off that PM perch quicker than you can say Kevin-11.

Photo Credit: http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/julia-gillard-declines-to-curtsy-to-the-queen/story-e6freon6-1226171137693

Bizarre love triangle.

2011-10-19T21:12:00.002+11:00

The SLiDE 5
Ed, Tammy, Scarlett, Eva & Luke

A few months ago now, I got sucked in by an edgy TVC promoting the new Fox 8 series SLiDE. At first it was the catchy dubstep remix of 'change your heart' that reeled me in, but then the more I watched, I'll be honest.....it was the sweet game of spin the bottle the 'SLiDE 5' began playing. I just knew this show would be right up my alley.

I've been committed to the show since ep 1 (I love committing to Australian TV. Like that awesome show Tripping Over that only went for one season. Dang I wish that came back), I mean how could I not love a show that gets a bunch of twenty two year olds to pretend they are seventeen and then get around their eternally sunny suburbs listing to indie pop electro, smashing pingers, smashing booze and occasionally smashing each other. I think we all know it is a winning formula.

Anyway last night was the season finale and it really didn't disappoint. I've been having OMG moments since I finished watching it! The main love triangle of the show has revolved around the chubby, alternate, curly haired Tammy; dorky, pasty, gagging to be cool Ed and then the banging babe, popular cool guy slut Luke. Now I love a good love triangle and this one was a winner. Tammy + Ed had a pact to lose their V-plates to each other but then Ed got all desperado ("I'm seventeen, I'm attracted to concrete) and ended up banging his gangly/horrifically ugly next door neighbour Phillipa. He swore her to secrecy then dumped a few pingers one night, had a moment of sexual orientation doubt and then ended up fornicating with good pal Eva. In the meantime, old mate Luke was becoming increasingly attracted to Tammy. Tammy is totes not his type but she has huge jugs so I'd say that's where the attraction lies. Anyway Tammy and Luke were totes pashing and stuff and it looked like they had a hectic connection but then she found out that before her he had totally had sex with Scarlett (who Ed actually loves) and then lied about it. She got heaps pissed off then ditched Luke in protest.
The SLiDE 5 (Tammy, Ed, Luke, Eva and Scarlett) spent the last two eps being all platonic mates and shit but I could just tell they were like a dormant volcano about to erupt and then it happened.............Season finale. Amazing. Tammy the virgin turns in to a big old slut, rooting two blokes in one night - the very same night she loses her V plates.

Now I know what you're all thinking:

1. What a great show. These kids get more action than Tiger Woods pre treatment for sex addiction.

2. Tammy what a hoe.

and frankly I think both points are correct. It is a great show and yes Tammy is now a hoe. But what I love about this show is that although at times, the situations are heavily exaggerated, there is always that streak of realism that makes you think "oh God I've been there". Now look I am not about to say that I've ever found my self in the situation where I've had sex with two blokes in one night. I'm from the North Shore and that's not the way we roll over here........but its the whole, accidental hook ups with your best mate when you really wanted to be with someone else thing that gets me here. I think everyone has found themselves in a situation like that and I for one can't wait to see how the writers of SliDE deal with the fallout of the seedy rooting love triangle in season 2.

Will Tammy and Luke finally start to go steady? God I hope so

Will Ed and Tammy forever have to deal with the awkwardness of the fact that they had sex? He's seen her boobs/been inside of her now.......they can't just sit around and talk about the weather.

And what about the other season cliffhanger? Old mate Eva on a Vespa heading to Sydney?

Either way, I can't wait to find out what happens! So stay tuned pals and live in the hope that the great people of Fox 8 churn out another epic season.

Photo Credit: http://www.pedestrian.tv/mobi/m320/article.php?id=50574&page=2

Noodle Markets made me boot.

2011-10-17T23:15:00.000+11:00

Tonight I was supposed to dine with some old college pals in Darlinghurst which I was really looking forward to. Given that I basically live at the end of the earth (hard core north - practically South Brisbane) I decided to lurke around the inner city after I finished some work I was doing in Woollahra. Naturally I went to David Jones (it's the only place I shop) to bide my time. At 6.30pm my dinner was cancelled. Frankly I was not amused but then I remembered that the Noodle Markets were happening in ye olde Hyde Park so I thought 'why not go smash some dumplings solo'.

I made my way down to Hyde Park and spent about 30 minutes enjoying the atmos before deciding to purchase some casual prawn and chive dumplings and a diet coke. They were totally delicious and although I was disappointed I had to miss dinner with my pals, I enjoyed the dumpling experience and felt that the evening had not been a complete loss. That was until about 45 minutes ago.

I was chatting to my friend Nat about my latest life dramas (why a reality show about me hasn't been pitched to MTV yet I will never understand) when I felt the first rumble in my tummy. Within 10 minutes I had booted. I have since booted a further three times. Oh Hyde Park Noodle Markets.......how could you do this to me? You've gone and given me food poisoning.

Now fortunately this unfortunate case of food poisoning does have one positive outcome. You see it proves a theory I have been cultivating for years. Ever since 1998 when my dad went through a big phase of cooking us chicken stir-fry with hokkien noodles (we're talking twice a week here), I have had the theory that you just shouldn't eat asian food cooked by anyone but an Asian. Tonight I bought my dumplings from a person of Anglo Saxon descent. Now this may be a really politically incorrect theory, but gosh darn I think the Hyde Park Noodle Markets have given me the proof I need.

Now personally I think that Chinese food is one of the best cuisines in the world and I won't be turned off all Asian food in general just based on one bad experience, but you can bet your bottom dollar that in future, any Asian food I consume, will be cooked with love by an authentic Asian because I just can't stomach the alternative.

No Toadie here.

2011-10-12T21:51:00.000+11:00

I go to uni. There are a lot of freaks there. Because I am only doing a one year course/am an old maid, I only have like three mates at uni and if they aren't in my classes, I sit with like minded individuals who I don't want to punch in the face (I want to punch about 80% of the people in my course). Today I was exiting a tutorial with Matt, a like minded individual who, if I spent more time with, I would probs be great mates with. Anyway we were just casually bitching about my most hated fellow uni goer (a mature age student who tells the MOST irrelevant stories ever) when Matt was approached by a fellow student I will refer to as Alexi. Alexi is pretty socially awkward and someone society would characterise as a stoner. Why you ask? Well apparently in his first science tutorial of the year he introduced himself by saying "Hi I am Alexi. I like to smoke marijuana recreationally", so the whole stoner story checks out.

Anyway, Alexi politely said "Excuse me" to Matt and then went on to say the most obscure thing that I have ever heard uttered in the hallowed halls of UTS Lindfield.

"Are you Toadie from Neighbours?"

Needless to say I lost my shit. I mean what was the thought process here? Why after a two hour tutorial on children with learning difficulties was he thinking of old mate Toadfish? Matt doesn't even look like Toadie and I am sorry but given that Toadie has been on Neighbours for like 20 years, wouldn't we know if he decided to leave the acting profession and re-train as a PDHPE teacher?

I seriously can't get over it. Not just the ridiculousness of the question but also the fact that he had the audacity to ask such a ludicrous question.

I can only come to one conclusion. Alexi was high on the recreational marijuana he is so fond of.

You're so not my boo.

2011-10-10T21:19:00.000+11:00

A little while back, I was reclining in a onesie on the grassy knoll at North Bondi when I saw the cutest little shetland sheepdog puppy evs. I was with my pal Tenacious Rat D at the time and I informed her I thought it may have been the cutest dog I have ever seen. She then told me that he probs wasn't because some obscure internet sensation dog called Boo was actually the world's cutest dog.

For some reason I didn't think to look into this internet phenomenon until tonight and I have come to the conclusion that Tenacious Rat D and the other 1.5 million people who like this mutt on facebook are on smack because FYI, Boo is so not the world's cutest dog - he's clearly just a pomeranian with a terrible haircut.

I honestly can't get over how crazy people go for this canine. HE IS FUGLY.

Oh Kyle.

2011-10-06T22:12:00.000+11:00

So this morning I was just casually reclining in my bed (Egyptian cotton sheets, goose down pillow, Ralph Lauren pyjama's.......you get the idea) at around 7.50am having been awoken by my alarm clock radio which since the demise of the Merrick and Dools show, is now tuned into the Kyle and Jackie O show.
I was spacing out pretty heavily and it was only when the most overplayed song on Australian radio at the moment (Someone like you. I am so sick of you Adele) came on that I tuned in. Not because I wanted to hear the song, but because I distinctly heard Jackie O outlandishly state that she too was sick of the song which frankly made me laugh, did Jackie not realise her mic was still switched on?

The chitter chatter only got better when Kyle Sandilands accidentally on air admitted that yes indeed, he is the father of an illegitimate love child. You can hear the audio here. Needless to say I lost the plot and immediately got on twitter trying to trend this shit.

The cyber world has been abuzz all day with speculation that this is simply a PR stunt or a hoax. Personally I can't decide. On one hand I think it could be an honest mistake - but then such an extended convo over a song would be a ridiculous breach of professionalism considering that both mics were left open for an astoundingly long period. But perhaps all the board operators at 2day FM are complete gronks and that's why they were able to get away with it?

Maybe it is a publicity stunt? If it is I'd say it's a pretty rubbish one.

Either way the austero network is keeping mum on the topic which means we'll all have to tune in tomorrow morning when Kyle will apparently 'address the issue'. Hmmmmm I wonder how many listeners he'll get then?

Gos. Take me now.

2011-10-06T21:57:00.001+11:00

I've been a little MIA on the old blog lately thanks to my jet setting lifestyle and an issue with the old Internet connection in my home. The great news is I am now back in town for the foreseeable future and the connection is back stronger than ever.

Anyhoo tonight I decided to go to the cinema to check out the latest Ryan Gosling film Crazy, stupid, love and goodness me did it live up to expectations. Now I should highlight that yes there were some heinous aspects of this film which I would like to highlight now before I get too excited:

1. Robbie's awkward sheepdog hairstyle - completely horrific.

2. Jessica's general uglyness - would it have killed you to cast Hudgens or Gomez? On second thoughts they def should have cast Hudgens.......she has experience with the whole nudey pic thing.

3. Kevin Bacon - Pal you are washed up. You've aged terribly.

4. Gosling's overdone spran - His looks are flawless, why improve them with an oompa loompa style glow? He's a hollywood mega star who breaks up random street fights in NYC, not Ian Thorpe.

5. Emma Stone - Meh she's pretty annoying and not that hot. Lets be honest if you wanted to cast a ranga with a husky voice, you should have gone for Lohan.

Now with those key points out of the way, I am going to be as bold as to suggest that this is the BEST rom-com I have seen since Juno.

Now it wasn't just the whole Steve Carrell "I'm a little nervous you have AIDS" line (sounds awkward but trust me......in the context it was amazeballs) or the old "Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They seem happy together" line from young Robbie that reeled me in and I know it might be hard to believe this because it wasn't the Gosling factor either (although truth be told I'll be thinking of him A LOT over the next little while), but actually I think this film was just generally well written. It's not often that you come across a rom-com with a storyline twist that takes you by surprise or that legitimately makes you laugh out loud but Crazy, stupid, love does both.

Perhaps you're not the kind of person that is reeled in by a well written script, perhaps you don't want to watch a movie that will have you LOLing and ROFLing with the best of them so if you won't see this film for the eloquence, I am going to take the cliche road now and tell you to see it for Ryan Gosling.

You. Will. Not. Regret. It.

Yes. Please.

Photo Credit: http://underthefiretree24.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/352-crazy-stupid-love/

2011-09-23T11:34:00.000+10:00

We need to have a quick chat about breasts - the breasts of Christina Hendricks in particular.

Hendricks wore this to the Emmys the other night:

Frankly I hate it and I am not alone.

Hendricks copped criticism from a lot of fashion commentators on this one because lets be honest - she's about to fall out of it. Naturally there has been a backlash of people who think thats he looks amazing and is a positive role model and its hard to hide giant tits and blah blah blah.

I am not flat chested. I get the mechanics of having quite a sizeable rack but seriously, sometimes I just think it's too much. This is just too much.

Now there are going to be haters out there that will say you can't cover that cleavage up. Yes you can. I do it most days. There will also be people who think that she shouldn't have to cover up and I completely agree, but there comes a time when you've done a look to death and then it becomes old.

I know that it's probably very annoying for Hendricks getting cop all the time for not covering that cleavage up. But let me say this. Hendricks is apparently a size 36DD which converts to a 14DD. While I am not a 14DD myself, I am close enough to it to be able to suggest that there is no way, that in the above photo she looks like a 14DD which means she is wearing clothes to emphasise her assets and make them look bigger.

Now its all a personal opinion and I wouldn't complain if I looked like Christina Hendricks. But in future I'd like to see her just try to rock an outfit without Maria Venuti style cleavage. You never know - you might like it.

Put it away dahl......

2011-09-23T11:02:00.000+10:00

I haven't blogged for over a week now and it's not because I am off blogging or hate you pals or anything, it's just because I was totes in holiday mode after a ripping weekend with my party posse on the Central Coast.

My awesome friend Raquel got my posse and I some free tickets to Coaster Fest at Gosford Show ground last weekend which naturally we jumped at. We'd all been last year and it wasn't so much the music or the awesome company of posse members (no better pals) that reeled us in so much, but the promise of seeing central coast locals in their natural habitat. They did not disappoint.

Now I briefly touched on the amazing fashions on the field at last years Coaster in this post here, but I really feel like they need their own dedicated post - so amazing were they.

When we first arrived at the hallowed gates of Gosford show ground last Saturday, we were immediately given a taste of what was in store - whilst alighting from the car driven by our dependable pals Grum (thats a portmanteau nickname - thanks for the lift old mates), we were bailed down by some drug influenced central coast teen locals with big hair, big square shaped nails, too much makeup and a goon sack who, whilst trying to stop their eyes rolling in to the back of their heads, asked us if they looked ok. We smiled and nodded, not realising how much worse they would get.

Within moments of getting actually in to the festival, we realised that while big hair, big nails and the old eyes rolling into the back of the head look would definitely be a big fad of the day, the real look that everyone was striving for was the old hungry bum and believe me it had us mesmerised.

I think we spent about the first 20 minutes of the festival sitting near the entrance transfixed by a youth (i'd estimate she was 16 and definitely under the influence of mdma) wearing a back frilly crop top, red heart shaped sunnies and high waisted denim shorts. Standard festival outfit I hear you say. No no, it was when she turned around that it was not. So high up had she pulled her denim shorts, that they had gone so far up her hungry bum that they now looked like a denim g-string and to make matters worse, she was extremely pale and had an outrageously cellulitey bum. The worst part was when her mates tried to pull her shorts down and cover her booty, she just kept pulling them up - oblivious to how bad she looked.

This seems to be a running theme on the central coast. I always had the misapprehension that when you live on the central coast, you have an amazing rig because you're like a little grommet surf rat. Coaster once again showed me that this is not true. For every slamming hottie with a mad rig, there seemed to be two or three chat bitches who either didn't realise they were overweight and chose to wear and extremely unforgiving outfits OR someone who ruined their potentially slamming rig with an array of the most heinous ink I have ever seen.

My biggest regret of the day is that I didn't take more photos to support my argument. I did however get these two gems:

Ink - essential

Bum crack - standard

It is hard to give you the overview - but you get the idea of what I am dealing with. Now look I know you get drongo's and gross outfits at every festival, but at coaster it is nearly too much.

My eyes are soiled.

2011-09-14T23:26:00.000+10:00

Today I had to nip out to Blacktown casually for an interview. This was all together quite the adventure. First of all I saw a male junkie hit a female junkie near the train station, then I saw some local slappers darting up next to a 'no smoking' sign while their male companion took a snap shot, then I felt left out because I didn't have any sweet ink or alternatively a baby (you're clearly no one in Blacktown without a baby) and then I got lost trying to find my interview venue so I had to call on a lovely lady in an African hair salon who then escorted me safely.

Anyway the biggest highlight of the day other than buying a genuine coca-cola for $1 was when I was sitting waiting for my interview and this chick walked in ready for her interview:

At this point I should probably highlight that I was having an interview to become a school teacher in the NSW public system. That's right, this is what she chose to wear to an interview to become a teacher.

Believe me the photo does not do it justice. Her bum and the gusset of her tights was literally hanging out.

When in Blacktown I suppose.

Get your shitty camry away from the bowser.

2011-09-14T23:13:00.000+10:00

I don't know about you, but the whole process of going to the petrol station to fill my car up so I can continue spending my life driving over the harbour bridge (guys come on, hanging out on the north shore is actually heaps fun) is something that I hate. I hate the money it costs, I hate the smell of BO seeping off most petrol station attendants, I hate the smell and most of all I hate the time it takes. Time is the killer and time my friends, is the reason for the nice fight I had at the Woolworths Caltex Petrol Station on Mona Vale Road last night.

I was due at work at 7pm. It takes me roughly 20 minutes to get to work from my place, so I left at 6.20pm so that I would have time to stop and fill up my car with much needed petrol. At 6.25pm I pulled into the petrol station. All the bowsers were taken so I did the normal thing and queued up behind one 'aisle' of bowsers. There was no one filling up at the front boswer so I assumed that the owner of the shitty camry was inside paying. Turns out I was wrong. At about 6.35pm after 10 minutes of waiting, the owner of the camry got out of her car and began filling her car with petrol. At this point I looked at the rear view mirror of my car and noted that cars were now queued up all the way on to Mona Vale Road and that I was now indeed trapped in my spot in the queue. I was thinking 'what a gee up' but assumed shitty camry woman would be very quick. After what seemed like an eternity she went inside to pay. At 6.42pm she came out and returned to the passenger side of her car. She then got in to the passenger side of her car and shut the door. I waited for a few moments thinking she was attending to a small child. She didn't get out.

By this point the clock had ticked to 6.46pm. I had now been waiting for just over 20minutes. Not only was this woman being a rude inconsiderate bitch, but she had me, the car in front of me and the car behind me trapped in our queue positions. Realising I would now be late for work I was quite pissed. I got out of my car and went in to the shop to see if the petrol station attendant could ask her to move on. He shrugged his shoulders at me and went back to serving customers. It was now up to me.

I went up to the shitty camry and tapped on the passenger window. The female owner of the car wound down the window and I could now see her sifting through papers.

"Hi, sorry to bother you...." I said politely, "but are you going to be much longer? I've been waiting over 20 minutes now for you to finish at this pump and the traffic is kind of backed up now".

She turned and looked at the traffic.

She smiled at me sweetly and said "sorry I had to take a call before and you know, you can't be on the phone at the pump".

I smiled and nodded and indicated I understood when really I was thinking, 'you are a dumb, inconsiderate bitch......hurry up and move your fucking car'.

"Fine, but are you able to move now? I am kind of running late for work".

"Look I'll move once I've found the file I am looking for".

"I really need you to move now please".

"No. I'll move when I am ready".

At this point she rolled her shitty camry window up.

She'd really rubbed me up the wrong way by this point and as it turns out, she really was a dumb bitch because her door was unlocked. So I did what any fed up petrol station patron would do and I casually opened the passenger door. I thought about making a citizens arrest but was able to gauge that this idiot needed firm instruction more than anything so I just casually yelled in her face:

"MOVE YOUR BLOODY CAR NOW OR I'LL GET THE POLICE OVER HERE TO MOVE IT FOR YOU".

Job done. Inconsiderate bitch moves her car. I receive a round of applause from the people who had got out of their cars to watch this idiot take me on AND after filling up, I make it to work only 10 minutes late.

Am now local St Ives hero #1.

MATE.......I like you but Good God, I don't want to marry you.

2011-09-08T10:41:00.001+10:00

I am an absolute rookie when it comes to matters of the heart/relationships with the opposite sex. My relationships with men always sour and I just do not understand why it has to be this hard. You're probably sitting there reading this and thinking "shit, this is going to be one of those self loathing posts where she bitches and moans about being single". You would be very wrong. I like my life. I dislike complication. I like being an I and not a we. What this post is about is blokes and how they always get it so very wrong.

Over the last year or so I have found myself in more than a few situations where I've been out on the town, there's been a little booze involved and I've found myself in compromising situations with good pals - some of which have been detailed on this blog (click here for one of my most popular posts EVER about accidentally hooking up with a colleague and then having to ditch him because he wasn't keen AND I couldn't afford it). Now I, my friends am not a very awkward person and I am always happy to go back to normal with these good pals post hook up because in my head they are still my mate. So why is it that when I try to act normal and behave in a way that a friend would usually behave, the blokes immediately think I am obsessed?

I am sick to death of sending a casual text suggesting we hang out (you know cause we're mates, not because I am just gagging for your genitalia) only to get the old sorry I am busy but we'll catch up soon (code for: I don't want to hang with you at all, but this is a polite way of rejecting you - I know this because I say it all the time) or even worse still the old I just won't text you for up to 5 days because you clearly want me bad and I want to be a rude prick and give you the message that I am just not in to you but then when I do text back, I'll really rub it in by being completely vague and non committal.

Gentlemen hear this, maybe write it down:

WHEN A GIRL TEXTS YOU SHE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU.

Hard to believe I know. But she might just want to hang cause you're pals. She might want to throw around some chat, maybe eat some Chinese food and OMG SHE MIGHT WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE. It's not rocket science pals. It's the truth. I know this because I have consulted three great mates (McGeisha, Ratface and Sondizzle) about it and we all unanimously agree.

So please fellas, keep this in mind in future and actually hang out with me. I know I am heaps aggressive and shit but I'm not going to make a grab for your crotch, I am not going to try and pash you and believe it or not, I probably won't declare my undying love for you because once I did that to a guy and he laughed at me then told me I was too crass and talked too much (That still cuts deep Fatkins).

So all of you pals, past present and future, deflate your ego's, get off your high horse and come hang out with your old pal Jojo - the gal pal you always wanted and the wife you'll probably never have.

New Pet Peeve

2011-09-06T09:26:00.001+10:00

Over the last few days, there is something I have come to loathe quite a bit. It's people who arise in the morning at 6am, use their smart phone (probs an iphone as no blackberry user would do this) to take a casual pic of the sun rising over Sydney harbour or the waves crashing on some beach, then upload the pic to facebook with the caption something along the lines of 'Good Morning Sydney'.

Now look I'll admit I probably did this in the rookie days. But seriously. It's really getting up my goat. There is just something incredibly annoying about someone who will flaunt their early riser status and bask in the glorious rays of Sydney at sunrise. The rest of us are in bed happily sleeping, and if you're like me you'll be wanting to stay there as long as possible. I am sick of these people making me feel guilty for enjoying a bit of pillow time.

I know we live in the greatest city in the world and maybe this is your way of praising ye olde Sydney town......but next time I suggest keeping it to yourself, because for every keen bean, high on life FB user who comments on how 'epic' your uploaded sunrise pic is, there will be a lazy, tv obsessed sleeper innerer who is rolling their eyes and hiding you from their news feed.

Making Stalking Cool.

2011-08-31T23:47:00.000+10:00

Usually I am not a huge fan of former Australian Idol desperado Jessica Mauboy, but there is just something about her new track.

I'll be honest, I'm a stalker from way back and I guess when it comes to the crunch, I like this song because it highlights what I have known for many years - persistence pays off. I am basically living proof.

So big ups to Mauboy for making stalking cool.

Beyonce's preggers! It's Destiny's Child.

2011-08-31T23:37:00.000+10:00

Like pretty much everyone in the western-world and possibly many in what ever other worlds there are, I ridiculously excited with the recent news that Beyonce 'z' Carter (knee Knowles) is with child.

Now while this is easily the most pumped I have been about soon to be celebrity spawn since the birth of Harper Seven Beckham, I do have a small concern: the expectations this child will have to live up to. There is a strong chance this child will come out grinding, booty shaking and busting a rhyme whilst still covered in the amniotic fluid from Mama B's preggo belly, but seriously.........I almost already feel bad for this kid having to exist in the ridiculously large shadow of uber successful parents.

Either way, this kid is going to be epic and easily 100% better than Suri Cruise.

Sorry but I just don't want to chip my acrylics.

2011-08-31T23:22:00.000+10:00

I was in a situation this afternoon where I had to coach some youths in the great sport of Volleyball - don't worry I have got sweet credentials.......have played beach volleyball at the SLAM festival in Palm Beach twice now. Anyhoo this would have been a lovely afternoon and being the keen bean I am, I really wanted to get right in there with the youths and throw/spike/volley that ball around the court however I had an issue preventing me from doing this and frankly I was disappointed with the response I received when I explained why I couldn't participate.

See in the last few months I have become an acrylic nail devotee. After a lifetime of nail-biting and my mum telling me I couldn't get the rings my grandmother left to me in her will until I was married, could prove to her that I was mature enough not to lose them or had nice enough hands (eg no bitten fingernails) to show them off, I decided that acrylic nails were the only way to go because lets be honest, the marriage and maturity options aren't going to happen any time soon. So i've become quite obsessed with maintaining my new acrylics getting them infilled every two weeks and seriously enjoying changing up the nail colour at every possible moment. My nails are now my pride and joy and as such I do not wish to chip or break them on some filthy volley ball that's had a thousand grimy, dirty hands all over it. So naturally when a youth spiked a volleyball to me today I saw it coming and simply stepped out of it's path only to be faced with blank looks from the youths.

"Miss. Why didn't you spike it back?" some angsty, nerdy teen asked me whilst flipping his bieber-esque hair (breeding ground for grease and bacteria) off his forehead.

"Because I didn't want to break a nail" I replied.

This was met with resounding laughter all over the court and for the briefest of moments I doubted my decision to maintain a pleasant looking hand upon which inherited ruby rings would look very good.

So my rant for today is this: why oh why must people judge me and make me feel less of a person because I choose to groom my body in such a manner that prevents my participation in the vast majority of ball sports?

Kimberly what were you thinking?

2011-08-22T23:22:00.001+10:00

Publicity whore Kim Kardashian got married over the weekend. I haven't got many deets yet but apparently the whole thing cost a reported 17 million bucks. With so much money being splashed around you'd think she'd be able to afford a stylist to help perfect her look for the day.

Can we just have a quick chat about this:

Kimberly, your eyebrows look great but what is going on with that headpiece girlfriend? You're Armenian-American, not some reject from the set of The Princess Bride. Would it have killed you to hire Rachel Zoe to tell you not to wear that piece of crap? I'm sure it probably cost a shit load but seriously darling, it looks like you tried to put on a necklace but couldn't fit it over your gigantic head.

Photo Credit: http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Entertainment/20110822/kim-kardashian-wedding-complaints-110823/

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

2011-08-22T22:49:00.000+10:00

No I am not talking about Christmas - but it is about as exciting as good old Santa Claus. Yes correct, I am talking about the my fourth fave show after Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant & Gossip Girl.......Farmer Wants a Wife.

Now as many loyal followers would know, Last season I was particularly taken by Farmer Kieran - the stud muffin from Young, NSW but alas he never took the bait of my prolific internet stalking and even though I believe myself to be a quite a good catch, even after reading my entry about him on this very blog, he never hit up one of our twenty mutual facebook friends for my number to take me out so alas, I find myself surprisingly available to find a new desperate farmer to devote my time to.

The bevy of Farmer's on tonights show did not disappoint. I think it's pretty safe to say it's going to be a great season. So where do my devotions lie this time?

Well at first glance I thought I was going to be a Farmer Trent gal. He's got the dark and brooding looks that I prefer and a cute little smile, but then the poor bugger opened his mouth and I realised he was a total bogan. In fact the more I watched, I realised the vast majority of this years Farmer's were total bogans which frankly devastated me. Haven't they heard of boarding school?

Anyway all was not lost, because soon enough good old Farmer Will came on screen and although it was not love at first sight, he soon won me over with his goofy dancing, non bogan accent, professional rugby career and sweet house. I was a little nervous for a period of time that he was actually going to select that stalkerish cheerleader skank from Canberra (Great place to go to uni but easily the shittest city in Australia), the mousy one or alternatively the tall girl in the pleather jacket and that would have really turned me off him, but luckily he came good and ditched all the crap ones as soon as he could. I am sure many of you are skeptical that he did indeed select mum's choice Samantha to take back to the family farm - I too thought it was extremely tacky that she chose to wear a skin tight dress that not only showed off her pubic mound but also the outline of her skanky g-banger (everyone knows Frenchies are a much classier option) but the girl had a killer rack and nice hair so you can't blame a guy for having raging hormones.

Thats my pick for the season. I am declaring myself a Farmer Will gal. I have already tracked him on facebook and the great news is that we have 4 mutual friends so I'd say a relationship or at least a pash is not completely out of the question...........but if for some obscure reason I do happen to fail I'll probs just get back to stalking Farmer Keiran - with 20 mutual FB friends it's practically a done deal.

Winning.

2011-08-17T16:52:00.000+10:00

Like many pop-culture savy hipsters around the world (including my Uncle Mugsy), I have been thrilled by the recent media circus surrounding old mate Charlie Sheen and have readily added the term 'Winning' to the list of catch phrases I regularly use. Not only has this descriptive word improved my enjoyment of life, but has also brought happiness to thousands of people the world over.

In the last few weeks, media coverage of Charlie 'Tiger Blood' Sheen has started to wind down much to my disappointment but today I heard something that will undoubtedly put Sheen back at the forefront of media coverage (where he belongs) as my favourite Hollywood bad boy is apparently returning to our screens.

Thats right ladies and gentlemen, Sheen has apparently signed a 6 Million Pound contract to join the cast of the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. Um. Yes please! OMFG I am pumped.

Let the hilarity begin.

Up the Duff.

2011-08-17T16:36:00.001+10:00

I'm sure I am not the only one out there who was absolutely thrilled by the recent announcement that former Tween Queen Hilary Duff is is well......up the duff.

As a fan of the Duffster since the Lizzle McGuire days and perhaps the only person in the world other than my cousin Wax who actually thought Material Girls was a great movie, I couldn't be more excited by the prospect of a baby Duffster and look forward to seeing her basking in that preggo glow.

Photo credit: http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1669038/hilary-duff-pregnant.jhtml

Eyes on your own equipment please mate.

2011-08-17T16:27:00.000+10:00

Recently I saw a magazine spread featuring Lara Bingle frolicking on the beach in Tahiti. Now yes maybe these pictures were staged and maybe Bingle is just gagging for publicity, but there is one thing that can't be denied - her rig was looking ridiculously banging.

Obviously hoping to develop a rig like hers by summer, I decided to do the right thing and join the Fitness First revolution, joining up at my local platinum fitness first. I've been pretty much every day since I've joined so I would like to think I am on my way to looking like my new hero Bingle. Now I have found my new gym to be an overall pleasant experience thus far, but then last night I noticed something that made me uncomfortable: a perverted old man watching me run on the treadmill, eyes focused smack bang on my rack. At first I thought to myself, don't be arrogant mate - he's probs just spacing out, you look horrific when exercising, don't flatter yourself in to thinking he's checking you out..........but he just kept staring.

Now I won't lie. I have a reasonably large bust, but I am first and foremost a lady - so when I work out I keep myself firmly strapped in with supportive wear and covered by a baggy t-shirt. So frankly this guy freaks me out. Why stare at me you perverted gym goer? Why single me out? I am no more busty than the 50 year old buxom babe who was having a jog next to me. I just feel like I am giving men no cause to stare at me like a piece of meat as I try to binglfy myself in a supportive workout environment.

So to the perverted freak at Fitty First in Willoughby. Keep your eyes to your own equipment next time mate and let a girl do her thang. My rack is for my eyes only.

Note: To the perverted freak, if you were actually not a perv and just mesmerised by my natural athletic ability and undoubtedly perfect running technique, please also look away because you just give a girl the creeps.

Thats stella!

2011-08-12T19:08:00.000+10:00

I'm a real sucker for any competition that allows me to vote. I didn't think I'd be able to find something to focus my Internet voting obsession on until Cleo Bachelor of the Year rolled around next year, but then I found out about the Stella Fella campaign which not only allows me to indulge my love of online voting, but is also all for a good cause.

So what is the Stella Fella Campaign?

Project Futures (a not for profit organisation inspired by the story of former Cambodian sex slave, Somaly Mam) believes that men play a pivotal role in ending the demand for trafficked women and children for the purpose of sexual services. If the demand is stopped then perhaps the supply can be ended - thus the Stella Fella campaign promotes/supports the key message that men need to become involved in the fight to end sex trafficking. The campaign acknowledges male role models in our community who respect, honour and love the women in their lives and in the lives of others.

I can hear what your thinking - is this just a chance for the pussy's of the community to step up and claim prizes for loving mum? Neg it's so much more than that and ladies, believe me, there is plenty of eye candy to vote for.

Nominations are still open. So the great news is you can still nominate that special guy in your life who treats women with the respect and love they deserve. I'll probs throw a bone to a few of the guys I know in the hope I can get a date out of it (again let me highlight, its been a long winter) but seriously, if you know someone who you think deserves the title of Stella Fella, hit up the website and nominate because wouldn't it be great if a real community hero could beat out the likes of Guy Sebastian, Daniel McPherson and Jarryd Hayne?

So jump on the website stat to vote or nominate and then maybe together we can get another step further along in the fight against sex trafficking.

http://www.projectfutures.com/stellafella/

Keep your sticky fingers out of my bag.

2011-08-12T14:58:00.000+10:00

A few weeks back, I wrote about the tragic incident of theft that I had to face during my time in Thredbo (read about it here). Now look it's been a bit of an ordeal and while it didn't tarnish my opinion of this beautiful alpine town, it certainly tarnished my opinion of the Jindy carnies who frequent the town and clearly have a thieving syndicate running.

Now three weeks on I have spent money to replace my wallet, replace my cards and have spent many hours on the phone to banks as a result of that fateful night in July. I'm trying to push that night out of my mind and I very nearly had until Wednesday this week. I casually arrived home from work to an Australia Post parcel slip at my door. Not only was there an unexpected parcel waiting for me at my local post office but an unexpected parcel that required me to pay the postage costs of $14.40 before I could collect.

I begrudgingly popped up to the post office wondering what the devil it could be. After waiting in a 15 minute clue I was able to take delivery of my package. It was my bloody wallet. No return address, no personalised note inside, just a dodgy Thredbo postmark and a $14.40 charge.

I expect the worst in people so naturally I assume it was sent by the thief himself, as a sick joke to piss me off even more. So here I am asking what kind of a bloke does this? Who steals the wallet of a poor inebriated sydney gal at 2am in the Keller. Who nicks off with my $110 cash (which I could have used to ply either of my two male companions with booze in the hope that one of them would drunkenly throw a pash my way), removes my David Jones and Westfield gift vouchers, my booste loyalty card and then sends the remains of my wallet back to me?

You're a rude dickhead thief. Next time keep your sticky fingers out of my bag. Karma is going to bite you in the arse.

Hell hath no fury like Mymy Jojo scorned.

Get Over Yourself.

2011-08-08T23:35:00.000+10:00

On saturday night, I hit the town with a couple of pals for another pal's birthday. This night was in many ways perfect. A great meal with great company followed by a great night on the town. The only flaw to this seemingly perfect evening other than the fact that I accidently stole someone's shoes at The Club was the fact that for 15 solid minutes we had to queue up to get in to the Paddington Inn.

I am sorry, since when did you have to queue up to get in to a casual pub? This isn't Abercrombie & Fitch on 5th Avenue, NYC on Christmas Eve, this isn't Kit & Kaboodle at 2am............it isn't even Mooseheads, Canberra after a Brumbies/Waratah's rugby match (or ANU affiliated ball), it's a fricking shitty pub in Paddington where they don't even serve Jaegar Bombs and other than a cranking dance floor, the only redeemable quality of the place is that sweet smoking area that is actually outside but makes you feel like it's inside.

I waited in your queue Paddo Inn. But I only waited because I needed to wish my pal a happy birthday. I don't queue. So please be aware that the only time I will be visiting from now on is during daylight hours when I'll be taking advantage of the toilets whilst shopping on Oxford St.

All together better?

2011-08-05T12:21:00.001+10:00

I like Foster the People very much. At first I tried to hate them because I got so sick of Triple J pushing them down my throat every time I switched on the radio a few months back, but then I decided I liked their music and lets be honest, they are very hot - seriously check out Cubbie Fink......he's outta control hot.

Anyway Pumped up Kicks is undoubtedly a very good song and they sing it very well - that's what makes what I am about to say a little controversial:

The other day I was listening to Triple J and the Like a Version segment came on. Owl Eyes decided to cover Pumped up Kicks and I almost think I like it better..........

Jersey in Firenze - Yes Please!

2011-08-05T12:09:00.001+10:00

I am sure I am not the only one in the world pumped that Jersey Shore will be back soon. The fact that they will be tearing Florence (Firenze if you will) apart with their hedonism makes it even better.

Check out the promo!

Harry what are you doing Mate?

2011-08-05T12:02:00.000+10:00

I was pretty thrilled recently when I heard that old mate His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales (aka Prince Harry) had finally ditched that bush pig Chelsey Davey for good. He was far too good for someone who spend holidays on the beaches darting it up in front of the paps and who had the spelling of her name so utterly wrong (It should be Chelsea lovey......not Chelsey. Y's are so bogan). Naturally I was really looking forward to him getting it on with some slammin hottie. Perhaps a nice wholesome Australian girl he would meet in a casual pub Prince Frederick style or maybe he could hook up with Charlotte of Monoco. Either way I was pumped for a new royal romance. It's at this point I should probably point out that I am pretty miffed by his selection indeed.

In case you didn't get the memo, Prince Harry is now apparently going steady with Florence Brudenell-Bruce. Now good old Flee (as she is known by her mates) seems pretty good on paper. She is allegedly a descendant of the Earl of Cardigan who FYI left the Charge of the Light Brigade during the Crimean War specifically during the Battle of Balaclava so she def has a good pedigree and she is of course quite hot. But when it all started to go really wrong for me was when I firstly discovered she is actually Hazdog's 8th cousin and that she spends her spare time modelling lingerie and starring in awkward TV commercials.

So you tell me, do we really want the 3rd in line to the British Throne going out with this chick?

Um, they are royalty for goodness sake!

2011-08-01T22:30:00.000+10:00

One of my favourite weekend past times is casually smashing a home made bacon and egg roll (yes I am marriage material) whilst perusing the Sunday morning paper. This Sunday just past was no different....... but I must say I was left quite bamboozled by the lack of coverage of the most recent royal wedding.

Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall got married over the weekend and by all accounts it seemed to be a glorious, private and intimate affair befitting of the publicity shy couple. It's yet another event worth celebration in what has been a great year for our beloved royal family and definitely worth adequate news coverage. So why might one ask was it not on the front page of the Sydney Morning Herald? Why on earth was it stuck all the way back on page 35? Now I accept maybe it's not front page material as Zara is only 13th in line for the throne but seriously.....page 35? It's no secret that I am a raging monarchist so of course I am going to be a little bit biased but would it have killed them to whack a nice spread on page 2 and 3? Sure as hell would have been a little more newsworthy than the heinous article they chose to run with on page 3 about some amateur body building brothers who go by the names 'Chestbrah' & 'Zyzz'.

I am sure I am not alone in my opinions on this ones, so for all the Zara fans this is how the day panned out - Zara scrubs up pretty good I'd say.........Tindall on the other hand should still be gagging for a nose job.

Photo credits:

www.grazia.co.uk

www.smh.com.au

Oh Hottie, where art thou?

2011-07-28T14:08:00.001+10:00

Last week in the snow, I went out to Heller Keller and got inebriated - no surprise there. A chain of events followed that involved me having a casual pash with a guy known only to me as Matt Hottie and then getting lost walking around Thredbo for 45 minutes trying to find my way back to my hotel.

The following day, my pals asked who this 'Matt Hottie' had been and I literally had no idea. I would not have known him if I tripped over him. All I could remember were a few key events from the night before:

1. Matt Hottie's name was Matt.

2. He was wearing a black t-shirt, jeans and a black hat.

3. He was 21 (yes I did lie about my age)

4. I got his number and saved it in my phone as Matt Hottie.

5. He was educated at The Scots College.

6. He snowboards

7. I met him whilst exiting the bar - he was smoking.

8. I left with my friends but a text from Matt Hottie encouraged me to come back.

Most girls would move on from this; Disregard it as a flippant pash amongst strangers in an alpine environment - it is Thredbo after all and everyone is so DTF in Thredbo. However one thing stops me from moving on.........I saved him in my phone as Matt Hottie which obviously means he was a total babe and hence now I would like to gloat.

See it's been a long, cold autumn and winter period. A girl hasn't had much success with the hotties of late, so what better way to get myself back out there than to gloat about the underage hottie I pashed in Thredbo.

I've been trying to track him down on FB all week so I can have a stalk, but it is proving very difficult to track him with the absence of a last name and no real recollection of what he looked like. I've tried doing ye olde pranking on private number to try get a name off his voicemail but he keeps answering (get a life pal), I've tried searching all the Matt's who went to Scots on FB but cannot locate him so alas have had to pull in the big guns: My kid brother Teddy.

Teddy goes to uni in Bathurst, has hopes of one day being a Physio but has always felt that maybe he should have done policing. I contacted Teddy and asked him to find me a 21 year old Matt who went to Scots and was in Thredbo last week. Within the hour he had come back to me with a link to a facebook profile of a person called Matt who was educated at The Scots College and in his profile pic was doing some hectic snowboarding trick - the only catch.........he was 20 not 21. So okay if this is Matt Hottie then he def lied about his age but hey, who doesn't.....when in Thredbo I say.

Unfortunately for me this guy has a private profile so I can't get in and have a stalk and we also have no mutual friends, but I've forced my friend Soph to take one for the team and add him just so we can get a pic.

So Matt Hottie if you are reading this, please, accept my friend Sophie's friend request, give her access to sweet hot pics to pass on to me.......you'd really be making an old cougar happy.

Note: Contrary to popular belief I am not a complete stalker.

New Fave Blog.

2011-07-25T21:56:00.000+10:00

Today my cousin Wax posted a link to a new blog on my FB wall and now she has gone and got me all addicted. I am fascinated by Suri Cruise. I hate her (never thought it would be possible to hate a 5 year old but seriously - she is so over exposed.......and her mom's rig is looking so chat at the mo) but I am fascinated by her so it is no surprise I am loving this blog sick.

The blog as you can see is entitled Suri's Burn Book and is described as "A study in Suri and the celebs who disappoint her. It's freaking phenomenal. Some legend has gotten into the Suri psyche and provides a scathing commentary on celebs and their spawn. My biggest regret is that I didn't think of it first.

So check out Suri's Burn Book at http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/ for a laugh when you have a sec.

Stop living in the past.

2011-07-25T10:23:00.000+10:00

Student Politicians are a special breed of people. They are pushy, opinionated, extremely passionate but most importantly they are students who are between the age of say 18 and I would suggest 22 to 23.........which is why I cannot for the life of me work out why I am seeing political activists that I went to uni with still supporting student politics. Perhaps I am a rarity here but I finished my first university degree about three years ago. I may have gone back to university but at the ripe old age of 25 but I am just not interested in student life anymore and I honestly feel like anyone over the age of 23 shouldn't be either.

I'm not going to lie, it is really starting to get up my goat that I am still getting invited to political rallies, protests and other events organised by students at my alumni at the Australian National University. It's a great university, the best in Australia actually but for the record, I have driven through Canberra twice in the last week - it's a shit hole and I will be keeping as way for as long as I can.

I accept that my fellow students might still be gagging to fight politically at a student level but you're all living in the past. Move on. Get jobs in Parliament or something and for goodness sakes, get your self out of Canberra. There is a much more colourful world waiting for you.

Worse than jeans and joggers......

2011-07-25T00:17:00.000+10:00

As the previous entry notifies you all, I have spent the last few days or so in Thredbo. Great place. Good atmos. Overall I give it a 10 out of 10. What I do not give a 10 out of 10 are the absolute battlers who wear jeans on the slopes.

As a complete beginner I thought it best to take a few lessons rather than try to teach myself and possibly break several limbs OR burden one of my pals with the responsibility. You can of course imagine my absolute astonishment when I rocked up to my beginner class and saw at least three of my classmates rocking jeans. Have these people been living under a rock? Did they not get the memo that when you are in the snow you rock snow gear and save the jeans for a more casual apres look? I never thought I would find a look I hated more than jeans and joggers but as it turns out, jeans and snow boots are worse. Open your eyes people and get yourself to your nearest skiing goods store.

Theft in Thredbo

2011-07-24T23:34:00.000+10:00

It's been a while since my last entry. This is not because I am completely lazy but rather because I was having a ripping time 'shredding' in Thredbo. When I say 'shredding' (mountain lingo) I mean battling as it was my first time skiing ever and I was basically drunk the whole time.

Now as you all know, I have previously held the belief that only scientologists ski. I have softened my views on this over the last week because while I met some lovely people during my alpine escape who came from a plethora of different religious backgrounds, I met no actual scientologists. What I did discover though is that while the Australian alps may not be home to clusters of obscure religious cults, they are the home to thieves and frankly I was disappointed.

Allow me to set the scene. It's a frosty Alpine night in Thredbo but I am keeping oh so warm by busting a move with my epic crew on the DF at the Heller Keller, cracking on to underage hotties and darting up with my pal Vazzle Dazzle. At around 1am I think "stone the crows I am out of cash" and rather than rely on the chivalrous nature of the male members of my crew, I take to the closest ATM where I withdraw some moolah. I return to the Heller Keller at once to purchase drinks for all. Then I hit the DF. I place my bag on the window sill so that I can properly bust a move. The next time I go to my bag, my wallet is gone and I am now not only desperate and dateless but also cashless. Nightmare.

I didn't allow this complete miscarriage of justice to ruin my night but it has definitely cast a dark cloud over my week as I now have to spend all of tomorrow running errands trying to organise a new license, medicare card and access to funds when what I would really rather be doing is watching at least 4 hours of The OC (Season 1 is epic - I am totes in to it at the mo) and exercising to burn off all the booze and junk food I consumed over the week so that my rig is banging come summer.

So to the thief who stole my wallet if you are reading this, you might be winning thanks to the $50 cash that was left in my wallet but FYI all my credit cards were maxed out.

Note: Contrary to popular belief I did NOT LOSE my wallet due to inebriation. I do not lose shit. It was definitely pilfered by some jindy carny.

High school's over babe.

2011-07-17T19:22:00.000+10:00

I love a younger man and it is no secret that at times I will lie about my age to perspective suitors just to make myself more attractive. I personally find that age really doesn't matter and I can never really tell that I am older than some of the guys I crack on to. Last night was a different story.

I was casually busting a move on the DF at Beach Haus when I was approached by a young man in a red jumper. He was pretty banging and had an attractive posse of friends so of course I was happy to oblige in small talk. Our relationship however, was not meant to be because within 30 seconds of making contact he had asked my name, my age and then he dropped the bomb........ the old "so what school did you go to" card. Absolutely horrific. It was at this point that I realized this kid must be fresh out of school because who else would ask such a ridiculous question. Now look I won't deny that I used to bust out this question all the time when I was 19 - but 6 years on it's just so fricking irrelevant.

Needless to say my friend and I ceased conversation with this posse of youths in the immediate aftermath of this question so let this here blog be a warning to any young, hot blooded males who are thinking of having a crack at a lady of my vintage.............high school ended years ago babe.

Why is no one harping on this?

2011-07-12T19:57:00.000+10:00

Earlier this week, a baby boy was born to Janet Johnson and Michael Brown. Apparently he weighs like over 7kg's which is a pretty big for a new born but living proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

In the same week, in a different state of the great country of America, Posh Spice gave birth to a little baby girl who presumably is the normal size for a newborn. Posh and Becks have chosen to name her Harper Seven and people are tearing this name to shreds in the media and in online forums, yet no one has thought for a moment to question the name that Janet Johnson and Michael Brown have chosen for their spawn: Ja'Michael.

Um, is everyone in the world on smack. Harper is a great name.......Ja'Michael is freaking horrific.

Stylist needed ASAP.

2011-07-12T19:42:00.000+10:00

I just do not know what was going through J-Lo's head when she decided to rock this outfit at the BAFTA Black Tie Dinner in Los Angeles this last Saturday:

Seriously J-Lo, I know deep down you're still 'Jenny from the Block' and you think you have banging curves.......but would it have killed you to have killed you to cover that rig up just a bit for one night? You were meeting royalty for goodness sake. Did the peek a boo ribcage look really need to be busted out? Did Will and Kate really want to see your pot belly? You're not on Jersey Shore babe and I am about 100% sure you can afford a stylist so next time you have a function of this caliber to attend, I suggest you give Rachel Zoe a call or someone that can make you look expensive - not like a cast member of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings.

Photo Credit:

www.perezhilton.com

www.smh.com

When good cars happen to bad people.......or at least people with bad taste.

2011-07-08T16:08:00.000+10:00

This morning I was casually wandering in Paddington trying to restrain myself from spending ridiculous amounts of money on Camilla & Marc leggings. Whilst perusing this adorable eastern sydney suburb, I came across something completely unadorable and so not classy enough for Paddington:

This is not a gee up. This is a legitimate car which not only offends my eyes, but also brings a huge does of tackiness to a suburb that is oh so much better than that.

This car bamboozles me. I am not obsessed with cars, but like most people, I know a good car when I see on, and an Audi is such a brand of car that I would like to own. It's sleek and classy with out being ostentatious which is a real deal breaker for me. What I would like to know is what the owner of the above car was thinking when they went and ruined a perfectly good Audi by covering it in a zebra/leopard hybrid print. I can only assume the owner was on smack when they made the purchase/decision because no sane person would ruin such a nice vehicle with such a tacky print.

I think this is a timely reminder to us all that cars are not objects which we should decoupage on a day to day basis. A car like this is supposed to be plain, and effortlessly classic...............not like something you would see towing a caravan on Big Fat Gypsy Weddings. Just saying.

Nothing stops the Lohan.

2011-07-08T15:55:00.000+10:00

As we all know, my hero Lindsay Lohan was kept under house arrest at her luxurious L.A townhouse recently, but if her latest spread in Italian Vanity Fair is anything to go by - nothing gets the Lohan down, not even incarceration.

I'll admit, the pics are pretty tacky for a fashion magazine (evidently Vanity Fair Italia have been taking tips from Jersery Shore while they are in Firenze) but she still looks pretty fricken banging.

Now someone hurry up and give her an acting job where she can really put her talents to good use!

You've been demoted.

2011-07-05T21:52:00.000+10:00

When I get a crush I get it hard, but it occurred to me tonight how fickle I can really be and how actually a crush that I have been cultivating for quite sometime can disappear in an instant based on one crucial move.

About seven or eight years ago now, I met a delightful boy who for the purposes of this entry we will call Jim. I had just finished the HSC and met Jim doing holiday work. It was an instant crush but nothing eventuated and I went off to take my Gap Year. Over the space of the last 8 years I have sporadically ran into Jim and some interesting things have happened. A stolen kiss here or there, an almost sleep over situation. I think it's safe to say that at times I have obsessed over him, propositioning him in Kit & Kaboodle at all hours of the morning, hunting him down on the train and waxing lyrical about my love for him to basically anyone who knows him. Unfortunately he has had this pesky girlfriend lurking around for at least the last 6 years so I've never been able to lock him down but I always lived in hope.

Recently I found out Jim was single and was jumping for joy at the thought of our glorious future together but then tonight my hopes were dashed in an instant when I was immediately turned off him with one glimpse in down town Kirribilli.

I was en route to have dinner with my college pals, Bobby and Naughts (great dinner boys) when I parked my car next to a quiet suburban convenience store. As I walked past the store, my attention was grabbed by a lone man with extremely hairy legs using one of the internet computer terminals in the store. He was wearing really old surf lifesaving shorts, a scruffy t-banger and was very pasty. My immediate thought was Ha! Look at that battler. I bet he's never even been a surf lifesaver and he probs bought those shorts at Vinnies......you can imagine my reaction when I realised that actually this battler was my beloved Jim.

It's amazing how in the briefest of moments he lost his rank as a major crush and led me to start wondering if I had been on smack all those years ago. Now I sound like a bit of a bitch here but it wasn't his physical appearance that was the nail in the coffin on this one, but actually the fact that in this day and age he casually spends his night using internet computer terminals in suburban convenience stores. Sorry babe but that is an all time low and I just don't know if I have enough time in my life for someone who has to pay by the minute for a world wide web connection and obviously doesn't even have a smart phone.

I guess some couples just are not meant to be.

Come back to me Sethela.

2011-07-03T23:28:00.000+10:00

In 2004 I was young, frivolous, was dealing with the onset of adult acne at the ripe age of 18 and spent many an evening watching The OC. Fast-forward to today and it seems not a lot has changed. Sure I am no longer a teenager but I am still relatively young, very definitely still frivolous and as of about a month ago, I have once again started dealing with the perils of adult accers. It's a vicious cycle. So I figure given the fact that I once again have the skin of a hormone charged 18 year old, I may as well get back in to the past times of my 18 year old self which include going for daily walks in the hope that a healthier rig will mean healthier skin, and spending my days watching The OC.

My rediscovered passion for The OC has brought me much joy of late specifically because of the return of my penchant for Seth Cohen. Seriously, other than my main man Chuck Bass, could there be a more banging babe on TV? But with all this day dreaming of Sethela, I cannot help but wonder what ever happened to Adam Brody, the total dream boat who played him.

Lets be honest........he's really banging. Anyway, I can't help but notice that just as quickly as old mate Adam Brody was on the Hollywood scene, he seemed to disappear without a trace other than that tid bit part in Thank you For Smoking (great movie) and that horrific movie where he has that whack relationship with that older cancer patient woman. Frankly it devastates me. Like many fans, I just assumed that post OC, Adam Brody would be a big thing on the Hollywood circuit for years but alas he is gone and I cannot for the life of me work out why.

I've perused the Internet for at least 20 minutes now looking for any trace of him but alas come up with no clues. So I guess until he does return to our lives in some other form, I guess I shall have to just embrace my 18 year old self and obsess over old eps of The OC whilst gagging for the man who made unapologetic nerdiness cool.

Gee ups?

2011-06-29T22:29:00.000+10:00

Last week I had a minor fender bender. I was casually arriving at my beautician for a spray tan as you do on a Friday. Yes, I may be high maintenance - but I think you've got to be. Anyhoo, there I was in my baggy tracksuit pulling up in to a spot so I could dash in to my appointment with minimal peeps seeing me in my daggy outfit when as I casually opened the door of my car, some rubbish driver drove past so ridiculously close to my car that she took my door clean off.

Is this a gee up?

No. I am not kidding. I lost the door off my car. In retrospect, it was a good thing that I wasn't further out of my car because she probs would have left me an amputee. Anyway I was pretty distraught, crying and the like - basically freaking out. I get home, I call the great people at AAMI (I am being legit, great company and have treated me tres well) only to find that I am at fault here. Now I get that certain things fly in the insurance world........but my car door was perhaps 3 cm's open. Had the door been shut, she would have taken my side mirror off anyway so why the hell am I at fault.

I'm lucky the insurance covers it and perhaps lucky to be alive, but good god it pisses me off to thing that this is my fault in insurance land when in the real world we all know that actually I was just being a legend, doing my thang when some horrifically bad driver had to come along and ruin my day. That just doesn't fly with me and it sure as hell shouldn't fly in insurance world.

Why I love the internet.

2011-06-29T22:20:00.000+10:00

The Internet has enhanced my life in many ways. It thrills me that I can connect to people the world over at the click of a button, that I can source information instantaneously and that I can stalk the shit out of every person that has ever wronged me, dumped me or just plain fascinated me. But there are many other reasons I love the Internet and of late, I would have to say that one of the biggest would be because of the way it unearths freaks.

Last weekend, my friend Tenacious Rat D directed me to a you tube link advising me that I would never find anything more hilarious on the Internet. I was skeptical because I thought it might have been another one of those average and pathetically popular you tube clips such as 'Charlie bit my finger' or worse still 'Sleepwalking dog'. Turns out it was so much more.

You really have to see this clip to believe it. All I will say is that the kid is a genius, a complete freak but a genius at that. I don't know if he is being legit or acting up but I haven't laughed like this in forevs - so check it out. You will not regret it.

Zara = Overrated

2011-06-22T22:33:00.000+10:00

Like most fashion savy women, I enjoy travelling overseas and enjoying the fruits of stores such as Zara. Two of the best purchases of my Japan trip last year came from the hallowed ground of Zara, Harajuku, so naturally I was thrilled when I heard that the spanish chain store would be hitting Australian shores.

I didn't rush in to Zara on opening weekend because I am just not great in a crowd - in fact I had a minor panic attack two days before christmas a few years back in the middle of Macy's on Fifth Avenue due to too many people and way too many Christmas decorations........ so I just knew that I wouldn't enjoy the experience at Zara on day 1.

Anyhoo today was the day that I finally decided to make the trip in to the CBD to check out Zara. I spent 15 minutes in that store being elbowed out of the way by booners who reeked of ciggies mixed with cheap perfume whilst looking at rack after rack of below par clothing and frankly, I am disappointed. Those 15 precious minutes are minutes I will never get back. What a freaking waste of time.

I had high hopes for Zara not only because of my previous positive experiences at stores internationally, but also because my great mate Vazzle Dazzle had picked up a couple of great items when she went on opening day that really impressed me. But alas all the good items are gone, undoubtedly snaffled up in the opening few weeks and now only the dregs remain.

Now I would be lying if I told you I tried nothing on, because I did. You see I really wanted this trip to be a successful one. I have liked Zara in the past and I wanted to like Zara in sydney, but if the below average level of stock wasn't going to piss me off, it was the dressing room situation that was. Talk about a fricking gee up. The queue on the middle level translated in to about a 15 minute wait. I had a busy day ahead (i.e lunch at the Oyster Bar in DJ's) so I didn't have time to waste standing in a queue contracting the smell of designer imposter perfume from the booners on either side of me. Naturally I did the sneaky thing and went to the mens level to do my trying only to find the change rooms marked 'Men Only'. Um I am sorry, is that a joke? Not only is it incredibly inconvenient but surely a little sexist? Next stop was the kids level where you guessed it again, the change rooms were marked 'Kids only', so not only is Zara sexist but also ageist. Might I add that there was no one lining up for either option.

All in all, my Zara experience was rubbish. When I finally tried the clothes on they were all crap. Westies, queues and crap clothes = so not my scene. So I won't be heading back any time soon. Instead I'll be bitching to anyone who will listen about the fact that Zara Sydney is completely overrated.

Give me David Jones any day - a lot less westies, a banging food hall and non discriminatory change rooms. Bliss.

You don't look hot......you look creepy.

2011-06-20T12:14:00.000+10:00

I've had a whinge on this very blog before about my hatred for try hards to have glamour shots as their facebook profile picture (refer to said blog entry here), so I think it is safe to say they are one of my dislikes along with Franjipani's in general, 'My Family' decals, Bristol Palin and the Australian Labor Party. Anyway recently on facebook I have noticed a phenomenon that perhaps I hate more that the whole glamour shot as profile pic thing. It's people who use pictures of themselves taken by a web-cam.

Am I the only person in the world who find this phenomenon completely creepy? It's not like it is a casual self take that people are taking in a spur of the moment fashion. What it means, is people are actually setting up their computer at the right angle and taking snap, after snap, after snap of themselves to post on facebook and what is even weirder is that people in web cam pictures almost never smile.

Now look I am not any any way against making yourself look banging for the purposes of a profile picture. Lets be honest, every time I am out on the town and someone busts out a camera, I am secretly hoping that they'll snap away and end up with a beautifully candid shot of me that makes me look so unbelievably stunning. That way, when I make it my profile picture, every man I have ever desired for the briefest of moments ends up gagging for me. It's a dream. I get that. But web cam shots where you pose without a smile perhaps holding a furry animal that you love or wearing those completely hipster glasses that make you look oh so alternate are not going to make that guy or girl who rejected you back in year 10 want you bad - actually it will make them think you are a creep.

Being a Palin can't get you class.....

2011-06-20T11:57:00.000+10:00

I've always thought Bristol Palin was a classless tramp and her latest bit of media spin proves me right yet again. While she wasn't getting what appears to be a bucket load of plastic surgery she was apparently writing an autobiography (because at the age of 20 she has so many life stories to tell) in which she apparently trash talks her baby daddy Levi Johnston more than anything else.

Perhaps the greatest revelation to come out of what will undoubtedly become a literary masterpiece (gee up) is that young Bristol was hammered the night she lost her virginity to Levi - drunk for the first time off a few too many wine coolers. Way to keep it classy Bristol.

Now I can excuse the whole being drunk thing because hey, we've all been there, but come on.......................wine coolers? Thats horrific.

Congrats Lily!

2011-06-16T13:27:00.000+10:00

Lily Allen got married to her tradie Husband in the UK over the weekend and in there mere moments after she had been pronnounced Mrs Sam Cooper, she dropped the casual "Great News.......I'm Preggers!" bombshell. Classic.

The wedding was pretty adorable I must say and might I add that I am thrilled to see her choice of Mr is a better better than a few of the old shaggers she's dated in reccent years. The ceremony and reception took place in Gloucestershire and Lily wore a gorgeous gown from French designer Delphine Manivet. Looks like a pretty casual and understated affair which looks like it suits the couple down to a tee.

Frankly I couldn't be more thrilled for Lily Cooper nee Allen. She's had a rough couple of years so fingers crosed everything works out with the baby and the marriage.

Photo Credit: www.smh.com.au

Young, Reckless & Shamefully Povo......

2011-06-15T14:14:00.001+10:00

My name is Jo. I was born in 1985 and I fit the very definition of 'Gen Y'.

I am the spawn of two conservative baby boomers who met at church and have been happily married for thirty odd years. Like the majority of Gen Y, I have grown up to become someone who is culturally liberated, tech-savy, narcissistic, attention seeking, hard working and completely and utterly reckless with my finances. Hell. I am Generation Y.

It is a well known fact that Generation Y are frivolous. I embody this whole heatedly. When I run low on petrol, rather than search for a cheapy petrol station, I go to the first one I see. When I get a hole in my jeans, I don't get them repaired, I go to David Jones and accidentally walk out with two pairs of $300 jeans to replace the holey ones. When I am low on funds and I get invited out for dinner, I do not decline, but I go setting myself a budget, then accidentally get shitfaced and spend every cent I have to my name.

The boyfriend of my cousin Wax once told her he thinks we are two of the most extravagant people he has ever met. At the time I took it as a compliment, however I am starting to wonder if maybe he has got a point.

All my friends seem able to save but my poverty stricken status is starting to get embarrassing. I used to be able to save, but apparently with age I lost that ability and thus I find myself sitting in the library at uni, snacking on food I pilfered from work checking my bank account every 15 minutes to see if I have been paid yet. I would like to sit here and not worry about the money but the fact of the matter is that the car I have in the parking lot probably won't start because the petrol light has been on for two days and I have had zero funds to fill up. Like the Gen Y'er I am, I have no back up plan and a back log of people who I already owe money too.

I am literally a financial mess. Today the anxiety is getting to me. Sure I'll get paid sometime later today or at least by some stage next but this is a vicious cycle and I know I'll blow all my cash which will once again leave me sitting somewhere depressing, anxiety ridden with the sinking feeling that something has got to change.

Maybe today should be the day for that change. So no body ask me to hang out for a while. I have no dollars for movies, no dollars for dinners and no dollars for socialising in general.

I'll alert you all in a couple of weeks when my financial status is returning to health - just don't let me go out and blow all the cash in one go because I'd rather not end up back at square 1 again......

No Business like Show Business!

2011-06-15T10:32:00.000+10:00

I am a musical theatre geek. I blame it all on my Nannie (that's my grandma on my dad's side - not some random lady who brought me up) who gave me Annie on VHS for my 7th birthday. It was wrapped in blue tissue paper. I ripped it open and watched it immediately. I have been hooked ever since.

Anyhoo like most musical theatre geeks, I tuned in to the Bio channel on the weekend to watch the Tony Awards and I've got to put it out there - I freaking love Neil Patrick Harris. Why oh why are all the good ones gay and who knew that old mate Doogie Howser MD (me and my dad's fave show of the 80's other than Punky Brewster and Ducktales) would grow up to be such a freaking legend?

Frankly, I didn't think you could get a better Tony Award show moment than when Ethel Merman busted out Everything's Coming up Roses without a mic at the age of 74 at the 1982 Tony Awards (yes it was a few years before I was born hence why I love YouTube) but I really feel like Neil Patrick Harris and Hugh Jackman made a pretty solid effort with their casual duet.

Check it. Love men who sing:

Will you be my American Boy?

2011-06-14T09:31:00.000+10:00

The title for this post is horrifically cliche, but totally warranted at a time like this - Rumor has it that Mary-Kate Olsen (I always preferred Ashley) is dating old mate Kanye West and I do not use the term old mate loosely here because he's got about 10 years on Mary-Kate.

Anyhoo I hope this is true. It's like the best rumor I have ever heard and lets be honest, even though Mary-Kate isn't as great as her twin Ashley (I prefer her clothes and general wholesome demeanour), she is a hell of a lot better/classier than that washed up old hag of a stripper Amber Rose who had those weirdly shaped tittays.

Perry does Dorky oh so well.

2011-06-14T09:24:00.001+10:00

I've got to give it to Katy Perry. I might dislike her penchant for obscure costumes in her video clips (she's got a great rig, don't cover it in heinous clothing) but gosh darn she makes an entertaining video clip.

The official music video for Last Friday Night (TGIF) has just been released and if the catchy bubblegum pop sound isn't going to reel you in, then the cameo by Hanson as the band at the party should.

Check it out:

Say No to the 'My Family' Decal!

2011-06-11T11:29:00.000+10:00

I didn't think I could hate any rear windscreen/bumper accessories as much as I hate frangipani decals and 'I am the Stig' bumper stickers.......but recently my opinions have changed - now my biggest hate are those horrific 'My Family' decals.

I'm not really sure why you would want to plaster motifs of your quaint little nuclear family all over the back windscreen? Every time I see one I cringe, especially when it is a completely customised one where every stick figure family member is holding a prop; Dad has his ski's, Mum has her spatula and all the children have some cliche prop ranging from a soccer ball to ballet shoes. It's horrific. It just breeds competition between families as well. I live deep in the hard core north where 4WD's reign and family competition is alive and well. These stickers are like advertisements to give each family an edge and the props that each stick figure hold have been carefully selected to make each family seem better than the next.

I could bitch and moan about these stickers for hours, how I think they are elitist, cliche and just plain stupid, but I suppose the biggest thing that perplexes me, is what do you do when Mummy and Daddy hit splitsville? Valid question I say. Do you peel the entire decal off and pretend it never existed, does Mummy just get a nice big, fact, old school white Posca and put a big cross over Daddy or do you make like this legend and leave a gaping hole where Mummy used to be?

He probably never wanted the sticker anyway!

Luxury worth investing in......

2011-06-10T10:57:00.001+10:00

This time a year or so ago, if someone had suggested that I buy a casual fur, my response would have been "the only fur worth wearing is vintage", but then fur had to come and be the hottest trend of the season and being someone who cares somewhat about my appearance, I've had to cave and embrace it.

Fur vests are undoubtedly one of the biggest trends of the current season however being a lady that is built for comfort rather than speed, I find it difficult to find one that makes me look like a slim-line slammin hottie as opposed to a fat Michelin man esque bunny rabbit. Then I discovered Jennifer Kate.

Jennifer Kate is hot new label on the Aussie fashion scene and being the connoisseur of fashion that I am, I am expecting big things from this boutique label. Jennifer Kate specialises in the oh so fashionable fur vest and boy oh boy do they do it well. The first time I tried on one of these gorgeous vests I was a complete smitten kitten - they seriously look good on anyone. Available in a range of colours and lengths, the great thing about these furs is that every piece is unique so no two furs are the same and at a pretty reasonable price, it makes the option of owning a truly luxurious fur, a reality for everyone.

The hardest part of the process of buying a Jennifer Kate fur is deciding which colour to go with. Personally I still can't decide between black or natural but hey, let's be honest......at the price they are I'll probably just get both.

Interested in purchasing a Jennifer Kate fur of your own? Come on......we'll be twins! Contact Jen at jenniferkate@live.com.au to jump on the bandwagon!

Ebay: The impotent man of the internet

2011-06-08T17:34:00.001+10:00

I first became aware of ebay some years ago and I'll admit, I've romanced with the site a couple of times now- but my latest dalliance has led me to ponder what exactly is so amazing about the popular online shopping and auction website?

My brief affairs with ebay have always left me disappointed. I find the site unreliable and unable to perform, not unlike Charlotte York's first husband Trey McDougall in Sex and the City. The problem with impotent men is that their issue of not being able to get it up leaves women (or men) with little or no enjoyment from intimate encounters and frankly I think the same can be said about ebay - yes this is happening, I am calling ebay the impotent battler of the cyber world.

About a week and a half ago now I was looking for a quick buck, so I listed some of my pre loved designer wears on ebay in the hope of generating enough cash to cover my car rego and greenslip. One of the items I listed was a rarely worn Bettina Liano cardigan which I originally purchased for like $350. The cardigan was in excellent condition and I have a way with words, so it was no surprise when one astute ebay buyer contacted me directly asking if she could get a 'buy it now' option and offering me $150. I was not going to say no to this as I am a povo uni student so I switched the auction to 'buy it now' and the astute ebayer won the item. She messaged me asking for my bank dets and said the money would be in by Friday. That was last week. She promised me the world. Like any man, she indicated to me that our encounter would be both seamless and pleasurable, but like the impotent man that ebay is, it failed me and the astute buyer never coughed up the cash. I sold that cardigan over a week ago now and I am yet to see a dime. I've sent the buyer messages and waited for a reply. In fact, I've even purchased a dress I do not want biding time on ebay while I wait for her reply. What I now realise is that like the impotent man, this astute buyer, this product of the impotent ebay, is not going to deliver leaving me, not only disappointed but exiting the experience with a limited amount of pleasure.

I would like to say this is a once off - one of those "babe, I swear this never happens" moments but alas the same thing has occurred with the Zimmermann cocktail dress I listed on the same day.

It's enough to leave any girl with a sour taste in her mouth. Not only do I now owe ebay about $4 for the listing, but I have no dollars to pay my car rego and a whole lotta wasted hours that I could have spent doing uni work.

I suspect I won't be able to turn an army of women against ebay, but this once willing participant has been left disgruntled and pennyless and will not be using my own devices to flog my unwanted goods.

So if anyone is keen for a rarely worn navy/white over sized Bettina Liano cardigan RRP $350 OR a 'pre-loved' strapless Zimmermann cocktail dress (great for the races, cocktail parties or just a night on the town) with a Grecian style tie at the bust - please enquire within. I'll give you a good price and in stark contrast to an important man, I'll leave you begging for more.

Don't let us down.

2011-06-03T11:41:00.002+10:00

In 2008, the Australian version was cancelled after 'audiance erosion'. The demise of the show could be blamed on a plethora of reasons - the below par contestants, the new presentation team of Kyle and Jackie O or perhaps, Australia was just over this kind of reality TV. I hadn't really given a second thought to Big Brother in the time since its axing because the whole left in my heart was very easily filled by better shows such as The Hills, Survivor and 16 & Pregnant. But then today I was just casually perusing facebook as a way of procrastinating from completing an assessment on Classroom Management, when I discovered that my old mate Super Tali had posted a news article that suggested the return of Big Brother Australia to our screens and I have to admit, it is a little awkward how much it excited me.

I'd be lying if I said that in its heyday I didn't get swept up in the craziness of Big Brother especially when i was at uni in Canberra. I'll admit when evicted contestants did their nationwide tour I would hightail it to North Bar to meet and greet whoever it may be that week - Once I even got one of the Logans to sign my left breast and I had a real bonding moment with Chrissie who we convinced to come to ICBM with us to cut sick on the DF.

For all its faults, Big Bro Australia provided some great moments in TV history and I for one am just a little excited for the possibility that it may be coming back.

So don't let me down channel 10. The desparado reality TV devotees of Australia are counting on you. One suggestion though - don't bring back Kyle and Jackie O, they were rubbish. I have heard the new weather presenter at Thredbo this season is pretty good though......

I didn't need that foot anyway......

2011-06-01T17:34:00.000+10:00

About a month ago, Mothers Day to be exact, I realised I had glass in my foot that presumably entered my skin whilst I was boozed at a house party the night before - un sure why my shoes were off but hey, you only live once. Anyhoo my mum Lozdog got it out or so we thought and I went on my merry way. Then about two weeks ago I noticed that the glass hadn't actually disappeared and actually was jabbing into my foot, perhaps a nerve. Either way the pain was horrific. After trying to dig it out myself, I nipped in to my local doctor to have it looked at. One hour, $75 and a local anaesthetic later I was on my way foot glass free and ready to take on the world.

Unfortunately for me today I noticed a way to familiar pain in my foot. The glass is still there.
So I figure I've got two options, go back to the doctor and allow myself to be put under a local (most painful needle ever) again whilst a medical professional digs around in my foot...... or I can just accept the fact that I am accident prone, that the tap dancing career I always yearned for is over, that I will always walk with a limp and that one day, that little fucker (the glass) is going to infect my blood stream and kill me.

I guess a third option would be just to casually amputate my foot - I didn't really need it anyway and I have always wanted a nickname.......I think stumpy would suit me fine.

Narcissism at its best

2011-06-01T17:08:00.001+10:00

My advertising days are over but gosh darn this new Intel Museum of Me campaign is tremendous.

Basically what the Museum of Me does is compile all your Facebook information and creates a three-minute long expose about you. I'll admit, seeing your information online as a museum is unnerving - frankly I felt like I had died and I was watching some obscure tribute of my life that didn't focus on my worthy qualities and strong moral fibre but actually focused on shamelessly drunken nights out and my continual annihilation of the english language. It is pretty fascinating though. So if you're a facebook user and a narcissistic one at that, i'd suggest you check it out.

You don't mess with the Kennedys

2011-05-30T23:22:00.001+10:00

I'm sure I am not the only one out there who is wondering what the eff is wrong with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Didn't anyone tell him when he immigrated to the land of the free and the home of the brave that the one family you don't mess with is the Kennedy's? Arnold are you on smack? I don't care if you're a seven time Mr Olympia champion or if your below par acting skills combined with your mediocre political career earned you the portmanteau nickname of 'The Governator', if there was a chance we were ever going to be mates (highly unlikely - we've got no mutual friends on facebook), you've just ruined it in one adulterous move.

Honestly Arnie, I don't know what you were thinking. How could you do that to a beloved member of the Camelot Dynasty? When you took an oath of American Citizenship all those years ago, didn't you realise that you were not only pledging allegiance to the great country of America, but also taking a silent oath to love the Kennedy's who are undoubtedly the closest thing the USA has to a royal family? I mean the whole situation just sickens me. If it wasn't bad enough that you had to shame poor Maria Shriver by copping roots off someone who's name was Mildred and who looked like this:

you had to then go and impregnate her at the same time as your wife. I mean this is just living proof that you were batting way above your average when you managed to get Maria Shriver to marry you Arnie.

I've got to say that the thing that upsets me most about this horrific situation is the way that the press are referring to Arnold's illegitimate spawn as a 'love child'. Can they just cut the crap because I think we all know that there was no love in the conceiving of this poor child...............old mate Arnold was just looking for a little more 'bang for his buck' and was able to get value for money out of the hired help.

We'll probably never know the ins and outs of this dire situation, but Maria please know that the world is on your side and maybe next time think twice before marrying a republican.

You can't fight love

2011-05-25T22:45:00.000+10:00

K-Dash is engaged. Sure she's only been dating her boo Kris Humphries for 6 months and yes he does have the same name (spelling and all) as her mom Kris Jenner but hey, she's a long way ahead of me and lets be honest......you can't fight true love.

Frankly I always thought that Kimmy would end up back in the loving arms of her former love Ray J......you know, Brandy's brother from the sex tape? After all he was the one that made her famous but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I don't really kow that this Kris Humphries bloke brings to the table - actually he looks pretty boring to me. I am just going to assume his redeeming qualities are in the bedroom though because if I did indeed learn anything from Kim's performance in her debut sex tape (I lived in a house with two boys. They watched celeb sex tapes in the commercials of footy matches), it is that she likes to have a very good time behind closed doors, and indeed starring in dodgy, home made amateur pornography.

Anyhoo it looks like all the Kardashian women are loved up these days and while I will eagerly await Kim's wedding, I will be living in the hope that Scott Disick will hurry up and make an honest woman out of Kourtney already.

Top Gun No More.

2011-05-25T22:04:00.000+10:00

There is no doubt that Tom Cruise was a banging babe in Top Gun, Cocktail (great movie) and of course Jerry McGuire. He was youthful, cheeky and had that amazing little smile.

For a long time, I thought old mate Cruise could do no wrong, but then after the infamous couch jumping episode on Oprah a few years back I started to have my doubts. His appearance on the first of the three Oprah Farewell Shows on TV tonight reiterated my doubt.

It wasn't so much his performance that weirded me out, but rather the frozen, emotionless expression on his face, his long locks and his monotonal accent. I am sorry but no man over the age of 40 should or could have a face that smooth and wrinkle-less and as for the hair......babe please all you need is a casual bandanna and you'd be channeling Hulk Hogan.

There are so many hunky actors out there today that are aging gracefully. Richard Gere (well apart from the whole gerbil thing), George Clooney and so on. So why is it that T-Cruise feels the need to chase after his youth so desperately?

I guess I'll just blame it on the scientology.

Lohan Update

2011-05-22T23:23:00.000+10:00

Praise the Lord, Li-Lo is still open to dating men. For those of you that missed it, while she was on the Kyle and Jackie O show on Friday, my hero Lohan let the world know that she is still in to blokes. Great news for me. I am still trying to work out who her perfect match would be but I think we all know it has got to be someone a hell of a lot more banging that Samantha Ronson.

Hot babe must date a hot babe.

Li-Lo is most def on the up I would say. Now all she needs to do is dye her hair back to its natural red colour and stop stealing necklaces and fur coats - releasing a sex tape probs also wouldn't hurt (worked for Paris and Kim K). Once this has been done I truly believe she will return to the silver screen better than ever.

Linds I am counting on you. Don't let me down......

RIP Bill Hunter

2011-05-22T22:20:00.000+10:00

Devo that Bill Hunter has passed away.

One of the great actors of this country and a main player in one of the greatest Australian movie of all time (other than Strictly Ballroom).

He will be missed.

You're taking up too much of my time.

2011-05-22T19:48:00.000+10:00

Every season it's the same. I try to commit to Dancing with the Stars, I really do. But I'm sorry it just takes up too much of my time. Why on earth is it necessary for this show to go for 2 and a half hours when there are other great shows on in the 7.30pm and 8.30pm time slots that really make me want to change the channel? And why on earth do you never put old mate Lara Bingle on in the first hour? Is it because you know that other than Nick Bracks she is the old person in the show that we are tuning in to watch and you know we'll all change the channel after she has busted a move? And why on earth is it necessary to have more than one international performer per show? We don't care about James Blunt singing some weepy ballad that makes me want to neck myself, especially when he looks as unattractive as he does at the mo. I also can't handle listening to that new judge. He's horrific.

I am sorry DWTS but you are losing my interest. If you want to keep me on as a committed viewer I suggest you ditch the shit chat from the judges/Dan Macpherson/Sonia Kruger, keep it to a one song minimum from attractive international celebs only, cut the running time to an hour or hour and a half max and then frame all the shit F-grade celebs dances with Lara Bingle and Nick Bracks because I think we both know they are the only people keeping me and the rest of Australia hanging on by a thread.

Take it or leave it.

Thought we were mates?

2011-05-22T19:27:00.002+10:00

We need to have a chat about defriending. It's something I have been wanting to have a whinge about for a while now, but I was holding off - restraining myself. Today I have lost all restraint.

I would be lying if I sat here and told you all that I have never defriended someone on facebook. I'll admit it. Some people just don't cut the mustard. I get inspired when I see other people's status updates that suggest they have made a cull so then I go about removing irrelevant people such as that freaky ranga I used to work with at the Hyatt Hotel Canberra (he once dipped his genitals in a water jug and then served it to customers because they were pissing him off). Its the people I am never going to see again that I ditch and I think I have every right to. I would expect the same treatment. What I do not expect is people I went to school with to defriend me.

Today I was out for lunch with my gal pals from school when chat started getting to weirdo's from our year that we are mates with on facebook. We started speaking about one specific girl, wondering what she was up to etc and I cracked out my blackberry and offered to show everyone her page. It was at this point I realised she had defriended me. At first I was like "thats weird, maybe she deleted FB" but then my mate Tenacious Rat D cracker out her iPhone (inferior product there) and found this particular person immediately as she had not been defriended. This caused some offence. Then as a G up I said to everyone it reminded me of the time my school mate (who for the purposes of this post we will call Jazzy Phizzle) defriended me. I had not seen Jazzy Phizzle in a few years but we were most definitely friends at school. One day someone mentioned her and I tried to facestalk her as she was living overseas only to find she had defriended me. I did what anyone would do and re added her. She accepted. Anyway I brought that up today and then tried to go to her profile. This is when it became awkward. Jazzy Phizzle has defriended me again. Sorry Jazzy Phiz.......thought we were mates?

I then started thinking about another chick in my year at school who I will refer to as Lollie. I added Lollie about a year and a half ago. Friendship request still pending. Awkward? Yeah it really is because she's become friends with two mutual friends of mine in the last month.

So I guess it's at a time like this that I have to ask why people are so against having me as a friend on facebook. Am I the most annoying person in the cyber world? Am I that chick who's status updates you hide? Um I think not, my updates are freaking hilarious.

I may never know the answer to that question. But what I do know is that today I have done what any social media pest would do and sent friendship requests to Jazzy Phizzle and anyone else who has ditched me. Surely they want to know the ins and outs of my life as much as I want to know about theirs? And surely they don't want things to be completely awks at our next school reunion? The next one is only two years away.......

Pretty Cute

2011-05-16T23:57:00.000+10:00

One of my gronk mates forced me to watch this the other night:

At first I thought it was completely crap but now I am kind of obsessed with it.

Oh Lohan

2011-05-12T00:28:00.000+10:00

News just in on my main gal Lohan:

Li-Lo is going to likely avoid jail time when she's sentenced sometime today (LA time) for misdemeanor theft. She's probs going to get home detention for probation violation which is great news given that due to her ranga complexion she looks horrific in an orange prison issue jumpsuit. County Sheriff's Department spokesperson Steve Whitmore told TMZ that Lohan could serve as many as 84 days of her 120-day sentence. This is going to cut in on the comeback film career that I am sure that you all all (like me) eagerly awaiting.

In the meantime I would like you to marvel at the outcome of the recent shoot she did for Blank Magazine.

You've got to admit - she's still got it.

Looking good Lohan!

xoxo

Your biggest fan.

Photo Credit:
http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/slideshow/lindsay-lohan-house-arrest-probation-violation-3161542

Rat you're killing me......

2011-05-06T22:01:00.001+10:00

Why the eff did you have to obsess over this song so much?

Now I am obsessed with it!

Sherzog is so banging.

Stop deluding me with your grandiose hypotheticals.

2011-05-06T21:47:00.000+10:00

Tonight I had what I would consider one of the most perfect nights. I got home from my teaching prac at 3.40pm (this teaching thing is excellent), had a bath, a grooming session, watched You've Got Mail with my mum Lozdog then jumped in my car and after re-playing Nicole Sherzinger's Don't Hold Your Breath on repeat for about ten mins, I arrived at my nearest Event Cinema solo to check out a screening of Something Borrowed. I am not afraid of taking in a movie solo. In fact, I enjoy it. Yes I am that chick who goes to the movies solo. I even once did it on Valentines day. A friend of mine from school and a worker co-worker have both told me they think this is really sad. I think it demonstrates sense of character.

Anyhoo everything about the experience was perfect. I sat alone and sprawled myself over two seats, I enjoyed a small coke (no I would not like to upsize for only an extra 50 cents), gorged myself on peanut M&Ms and cried shamelessly throughout the film. Yes it was awkward that no one else in the cinema was crying and I was sitting there sniffling for a good half an hour, but whatevs, the chick two seats away offered me a tissue and if there is anything that makes me happy it is the kindness of strangers Blanche DuBois style. Yep. I'd say it was a great night and Something Borrowed is a great movie which I urge you all to see. There is however one thing that really gets up my goat about this movie and many others in the Romantic genre - it actually tries to indicate to us that girls like me can get the banging babe.

Now let me be clear. This is not a self loathing post. I do not think I am horrific, however I am the sidekick of the slamming hotties. Has anyone seen my friends? They are phenomenally hot which means that I am the DUFF. As in the dog ugly fat chick. Every hot babe has a DUFF. Do I actually think I am the dog ugly fat chick? Of course not........I'm the loud buxom sidekick and hello, all the hotties always have side kicks. Anyway I do not have a problem with my role as the side kick. It's great fun. But the problem with romantic movies these days is that they make us average looking side kicks believe that banging babes who we have been gagging for for years will choose us in the end. Now I am a cynic. Lord knows I am a cynic, but I've been in the situation where I thought that maybe, just maybe the banging babe I always wanted would select me......in fact in my head it was a certainty. But then he got a girlfriend that was not me. This has happened to me on repeated occasions which leads me to believe that life is not a fairy tale. Now as I said, this post is not self loathing. Do I want to settle down with a banging babe right now? Nope, sorry. At the moment I am really enjoying being the drunk chick who gets booted out of Iguana and dances on tables (it's a phase, I imagine I'll get over it soon), but what I am saying is that movies need to stop deluding us sidekicks with this grandiose suggestion that the banging babe will pick us over the amazingly phenomenal hot chick. Do I believe it can happen? Sure......but don't get our hopes up because chances are it won't happen and I'm sure of hell sick of finding out that life just isn't like in the movies.

Now that is a big rig......

2011-05-04T22:24:00.001+10:00

I've been lamenting the conclusion of this last seasons The Biggest Loser for a solid 24 hours wondering when next I would get the chance to switch on the telly and see a wildly obese person crying in front of a mirror in their underwear lifting their belly up or alternatively, smashing some a casual entire family feast size meal in the car park of their local fast food franchise. Luckily I haven't had to lament too long because tonight I hit the jackpot when I was channel surfing post work and I stumbled across what is undoubtedly the best new show on television Big: Extreme Makeover.

Tonight's ep introduced us to big Mick, a 240kg ranga from Western Sydney who has bigger cans than Katie Price (aka Jordan) after her second boob job and is so chubby these days that he can no longer get a boner. Like all weight loss shows, Mick has an emotional motivation driving him to do this - the death of his brother from heart disease. Mick of course does not want to enter an early grave and is vowing to change his life so that he does not follow the same path. Naturally he's hung some trinkets that remind him of his dearly departed brother around his home gym to motivate him. It's enough to make a grown woman cry perhaps as much as she would if she was picked as the one last lonely girl at a Justin Bieber concert - in fact, it was enough to make this grown woman cry as much as I did when watching other small girls have a moment of stardom as the one last lonely girl at a Justin Bieber concert during the Bieber movie.

The great thing about Big: Extreme Makeover other than the fact that it is hosted by Deborah Hutton and features even fatter people than The Biggest Loser is that from day one, a weight-loss expert and trainer will take over their lives and stay with them for 12 months, 24/7, there can be no escaping, no backing out and these people will be given the chance to turn their lives around forever.

Now I'm getting sentimental, I am getting emotional but come on, weight loss shows are a winning formula and if you don't want to tune in to witness the stars on the show undertake a journey of self discovery that leads them to a greater understanding of self, at least tune in for the clips of the morbidly obese without a shirt - or am I the only one that finds all that excess fat and skin grotesquely fascinating?

The Fairytale to end all Fairytales......

2011-04-30T12:54:00.000+10:00

Yesterday, the wedding day of Prince William Arthur Philip Louis Mountbatten-Windsor Miss Catherine Elizabeth Middleton was literally the best day of my life and I have no qualms in saying that. Everything about it was perfect. Kate looked amazing in her Alexander McQueen - a paradigm of strength and virtue, William looked as handsome as he could with that balding hair, Harry looked slamming (as usual), Pippa looked outrageously good and even little cross eyed Lady Louise Windsor looked very cute in her little bridesmaid dress.

You know I used to think I wanted a casual wedding at a vineyard, but now after yesterday I think I would much prefer a royal wedding. It was fantastic. A lot of people have been asking me why I am so obsessed with this marriage especially given that I am at times the most cynical person in the world who hates on public displays of love and people who are outwardly happy, however the union of 'Wills & Kate' reveals the romantic buried deep inside. Their union shows me that love does indeed exist and that yes, it is possible for a casual commoner to swoop in and bag the prince. This means that if I could somehow remove that bushpig Chesley Davey from the picture, I might have a chance with old mate Harry.

I also found this day very important because for me it represents the British Monarchy of the future and based on yesterday, I would say it looks like a bright future with a Royal Family who we can be proud of. Yes I am a staunch monarchist - it's a trait passed on from my maternal granny Marjorie Grace and I wouldn't be surprised if all the haters out there jump back on the Queens bandwagon after today. Because the dark days of the Monarchy are over. No more toe sucking and anus horribillius, no more dark days of infidelity and scandal, no more conspiracy's. No not at all. For today the plain girl who impressed by getting her kit off in a charity fashion show just about a decade ago bagged the prince and has now played part in the Fairytale to end all Fairytales.

Brings a tear to the eye now doesn't it.......

Photo Credit: www.ninemsn.com.au

He does raise a point......

2011-04-27T23:05:00.000+10:00

With only two sleeps to go until the Royal Wedding, I am finding devotees such as myself popping up in the most obscure places. For example, my friendly local fruiterer Tom Teng of East Wahroonga Fresh Fruit and Supermarket today informed me that he will be closing the shop early to celebrate and I overheard two strapping young men discussing the looming nuptials at Chookas today so I think it is safe that Royal Wedding fever has well and truly set in.

This evening I was casually watching that horrifically inaccurate Will and Kate telemovie that was so bad it was addictive when I got a text from my pal Natdog who like me is a true believer in our great monarchy, or at least in the Will and Kate love story. Anyway Natdog had casually been discussing the wedding with her male housemate who busted a very fair question when he said "What I want to know is where does Kate Middleton go 3 days before her wedding to get her minge waxed". Yes that was a legitimate question. Now while I like most women will object to his use of the word 'minge' (seriously, it's a horrific word), I have to say that he does raise a very valid point. Does she just nip in to her local wax factor, invite some pro waxer to come and sort her out in the privacy of her own home, undertake a DIY wax on her bathroom floor or does she, like the Japanese prefer a full bush?

It's a very relevant question and one that I would seriously like answered - weird I know. I may not ever find out exactly what our future Queens preferences are but I guess the one thing this delightful posing of a question has done is highlight the fact that no matter who you are, the Royal Wedding and the union of Prince William of Wales and Miss Catherine Middletown gets us all in our own way.

Thorpey makes the cut.....

2011-04-24T18:44:00.000+10:00

With less than a week until the nuptials of Prince William of Wales and Miss Catherine Middleton, the Royal Family have today unveiled the confirmed guest list for the wedding. Most of the inclusions were to be expected - Elton John, The Beckhams and a plethora of other celebs were all to be expected but can someone please tell me how the hell old mate Ian Thorpe scored an invite and why he felt the need to pose for this beyond tacky promo shot?

It's just ludicrous.

Apparently Wills and Thorpey met last year but surely thats not enough to be classified as worthy of an invite? Are they even mates?

Lets just hope the Thorpester tones down on the tan factor before the big day - don't want a nice glistening shade of tandoori detracting from the bride!

Photo Credit: http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/australian-olympian-ian-thorpe-gets-invite-to-royal-wedding/story-e6freuy9-1226043866980

Battlers night out.

2011-04-24T13:15:00.001+10:00

Last night I was hanging out in the home of a pal drinking vino and eating the worlds worst pad thai that had a smell not unlike dog food (that Thai take out place on Queen St in Woollahra - I don't recommend). The night would have been very uneventful (all we had done was watch What a Girl Wants, When in Rome and then the Teen Mom marathon) except that at about 11pm the housemate of my pal who for the purposes of this blog we will refer to as 'Piece', arrived home after the day after the races and to say that he was heavily intoxicated is an understatement.

Piece decided to sit on the couch and then start the most horrific drunk dialling spree I have ever witnessed. After waving his legs in the air like a dead ant, breaking a glass, forgetting my name, talking smack for about thirty minutes and such conversation highlights as:

"I'm just having a half time break at home drinking some ovaltine"

"I towned her"

Piece decided it might be time to go back out and meet his mates at Taylor Square. My pal and I decided to hit the sack but noticed that Piece had left his house key on the coffee table so we texted him and told him to knock when he eventually arrived home.

What happened next needs to be seen to be believed.

Within 30 minutes there was a knock on the door. Being the polite guest I was, I left my pal in bed and went down to answer the door. Upon opening the door I lost my shit, because Piece was not at home because he couldn't get in to any clubs. No, no, Piece was home because he managed to pick up and there on the door step was Piece, some blonde slapper and about three different pieces of luggage. Correct, the slapper BYO'd luggage.

Now this would be excusable had the slapper been a slammin hottie who didn't reek of a scam, but unfortunately she did. The fact of the matter was she was pretty rough looking and pronounced education 'educaaaaaashion'. After alerting my pal to the situation unfolding under our noses we tuned in to the conversation that was being had by Piece and the slapper which went something like this:

"What's with the luggage? Are you going to rob us? Do you do this every night? Just carry around your luggage and hope you'll find somewhere to stay?"

After Piece concluded this gem of a conversation and then came in and asked that my pal and I not 'judge' (oh believe me, we were judging) he took her in to the room where they began to have a debate about the regulation of the horse racing and poker machine industry during which Piece suggested she better agree with his point of view (that poker machines are where the middle class go to die) because I quote "It's bloody cold outside".

My pal and I decided to go to bed at this point, but not before we locked away all our valuables because we were convinced she was involved in a crime syndicate where she prayed on drunk men, went to their houses, waited till they went to sleep then called on her big maori bro's to come clean the house out.

This morning we woke up and thankfully all our valuables were in place. The slapper was gone and unfortunately so was poor Piece's dignity. He probably won't live this one down for a while and frankly I just won't let him. But the question that really sticks out in my mind at the end of all this, is why oh why did this weird luggage laden slapper continue to stay overnight at Piece's house after he accused her of intending to rob him?

Your guess is as good as mine but obviously last night was battlers night out.

Is this the year?

2011-04-21T09:55:00.001+10:00

It's a truth universally acknowleged that the scientologists love to ski. Don't believe me? Look at the facts.

Tom Cruise (the scientologist) and Nicole Kidman got married in Aspen - where people ski
Tom Cruise (the scientologist) and his second wife Katie Holmes (the scientologist) and their spawn Suri Cruise (baby scientologist) all like to holiday in Aspen - where people ski
Sonny Bono (the scientologist) died in a skiing accident
John Travolta (the scientologist) likes to go on boys holidays in Vermont where they ski and spa
LJ Jaxon (the scientologist) is a champion skiier who is now using Scientology Study Technology, a precise method of how to study and learn, to help novice skiers attain confidence on the mountain their very first time skiing.

Frankly I think the evidence is overwhelming. Anyway I am not a scientologist and frankly I find the behaviour of scientology alarming at times, so I don't ski. I have never been skiing and until very reccently had no desire to ever give it a crack. In fact I even wrote about the reasons why skiing is rubbish (other than because it is a sport favoured by scientologists) back in 2009 and you can read about it here.

Anyway lots of my non Scientologists friends here in Australia do ski and by all accounts seem to have a great time doing it. I feel like this year could be the year that I give it a go.

I had four New Years Resolutions this year. I broke the first two in the first hour of 2011 and the third one within a week. My one remaining resolution was to challenge myself. Thus my excuses that only Scientologists skis and that I am accident prone and would undoubtedly break a limb just don't cut it any longer. This year I must challenge myself and attempt to slide down a mountain on skis.

I have a pal who will be living in Threders and at least three mates who learned to ski instruct in Austria who will no doubt be gagging to help me out. So I think all the signs say yes.

Watch this space. Soon I will be a skiier and who knows........maybe even a Scientologist.

Is amalgamation necessary?

2011-04-20T20:23:00.000+10:00

As someone who objects to the vast majority of 'lovey dovey' couples, one of the things I definitely can't stand is when guy and a girl start dating and suddenly morph from a me to a we.

"We'll be there!"

"We'll see if we can make it!"

"We'll just have to see what we're doing"

"We love that movie"

"Do we need to pee?"

Frankly I find it sickening. Just because you want to be on and/or in your partner 24/7 does not mean that you cease to be an individual.

I didn't think there was anything more in the world of coupledom that could annoy me more, but then today I was casually perusing facebook and saw something that literally made me gag: an amalgamated name. Two individual names linked by a capital N to signify the compound word and that combines the two first names of a couple.

Seriously why in the world is that necessary? It's facebook you psycho's - this isn't a joint bank account. You do not need an amalgamated account as a sign of your relationship, undying love for one another and trust. It's seriously ludicrous. I don't care if you are even married. My parents are basically senior citizens and they are savvy enough to have separate accounts. No Rex N Lorraine Craig for them because they are separate people with separate mates who want to maintain their own social lives online.

And how does deciding who you are going to be cyber cronies with work anyway? In case you didn't know I am technically boyfriend free since 2003 but thinking back to the time I did last have a solid boyfriend I have to say I couldn't stand his mates (total nerdburgers) and I am sure he couldn't stand mine. So what if back then we had a casual amalgamated FB page? I wouldn't want his douchebag mates on my friend list and I doubt he would have wanted mine. Would that have been what caused the demise of our relationship? Instead of casually calling him up the night before the HSC began and stating geographical issues (he lived at boarding school, I lived at home - we were from two different worlds) as the reason why our young puppy love must end, would I have instead made a casual "Babe, it's over. I don't want to ruin my rep by having your mates listed as facebook friends on our completely ludicrous amalgamated facebook profile" phone call?

I guess that is an answer we'll never know. But seriously, to all you smug couples out there I say down with amalgamated facebook accounts. It doesn't cost anything......just get separate accounts or run the risk of me never ever, ever accepting your 'joint' friend requests.

Pretty in pink

2011-04-20T12:03:00.000+10:00

In case you didn't already know, Jim Toth made an honest woman out of Reese Witherspoon a few weeks ago now. Wedding pics were a nightmare to track down but they have finally surfaced on the net thanks to People magazine.

Pretty impressed with Reese's choice of couture. She looked like a total babe and I applauded the pink tone of her gown which not only suited her complexion but also acknowledged the fact that she lost her V-plates a long, long time ago (the whole two kids thing might have made that one obvious). The dress did make her look pretty flat chested but I hate on cleavage on a wedding day (a memo Tamara Jaber did not get) so I was willing to let that slide. I wasn't so sure about the hair to begin with but thinking about it, I think it reflected the classically casual Witherspoon.

All round I'd give the look two thumbs up and wish the happy couple a glorious future together - at least until Ryan Phillipe comes to his senses and lures her back.

Bieber Fever

2011-04-14T23:11:00.001+10:00

About a year ago, I am ashamed to say that I blogged about Justin Bieber in a negative way. Looking back I am not proud of what I said and today I want to retract those statements, because as I live and breathe today I think it is safe to say that I have a hard core case of Bieber Fever. So much so that today I jagged uni to go and see the Justin Bieber movie Never Say Never. I haven't been this excited about a film since I saw Twilight Eclipse twice in less that 24 hours. I won't lie......I think the Bieber movie is the best thing I have seen all year. Not only is Bieber a slammin underage hottie, but his personality was really doing it for me.

Now my obvious attraction to the Biebs obviously led to a conversation with my movie partner Niffer as to whether or not at the tender age of 16 he is sexually active. After seeing the movie I would have to say that not only is Justin Bieber most def sexually active but I would also actually like to hypothesise that he has indeed had intercourse with fellow tween royalty Miley Cyrus. Why you might ask? Well during the movie (best few hours of my life) we see concert footage of Justin and Miley singing their duet Overboard and their body language was enough to really set tongues wagging. Um hello:

I am sorry but during the song they 100% eye fuck the shit out of each other (excuse my crude language but there is no other way to say it) and then to really cement my hypothesis, at the end of the song Miley casually plucks the flat brim hat off Biebers head and places it on her own. I am sorry but where I am from, wearing a boys hat is an unequivocal sex invite so if at that point they hadn't boned, they sure as hell did after the concert.

Now I love Miley and would really support a union between two such celebrated tween stars (she's better than that insipid Selena Gomez) but this entry is called Bieber Fever for a reason and at the end of the day, I guess I would really just love the opportunity to lie about my age and snag Bieber as my own main man.

So move over Miley because I've got Justin Bieber in my sights now..........and if I don't succeed, can someone at least get me one of those sweet 'Mrs Bieber' t shirts?

Photo Credit:
http://buzzworthy.mtv.com/2010/09/03/miley-cyrus-justin-bieber-romance-rumor/

Thanks Bazza!

2011-04-14T22:31:00.000+10:00

For months now I have really been enjoying tweeting celebs as if I know them and hoping that one day, a celeb would tweet me back. I've tried it with Lindsay, Snooki, Lily Allen Samantha Ronson, Dools and a plethora of other celebs with no success. All the rejection disheartened me. But then today something glorious happened. Barry O'Farrell, the Premier of the great state of New South Wales replied back to my tweet. Not going to lie, I'm pretty pumped.

Don't believe me? Check it:

Ha. I am so kind of a big deal now!

Anyway as if you didn't all know, I am a hard core Bazza O'Fazza fan, and not that he ever had any risk of losing my vote but that one sweet tweet has locked me in as a Bazza fan for life.

So thanks for making my day Premier O'Farrell!

You're my hero - at least until Lohan does something to claim back her number one spot.

I just need some money, money, money........

2011-04-08T09:43:00.005+10:00

It cannot be denied that Jessie J's hit song Price Tag sure is catchy and yes it has a tremendous message but unfortunately today, I have to strongly disagree that it 'aint about the money, money, money' because you know what, it kind of is.

My beloved BFF Suzanne is currently on a voyage of self discovery somewhere in the America's. This is a casual picture of us being legends during the time that Suey was going through her angry face phase:

Me and Sue - just us two. So banging together.

Anyway, two days ago, my beloved pal Suzanne, put out an open call on FB asking if anyone would be keen to go Bonnaroo with her in Tennesse come June 9 through 12. Naturally I am gagging to go because Sue (who has been my best pal since about age 9) and I have not casually stroked each other's ego face to face since November and what can I say, I really miss the girl. She's off discovering the world, embarking on a spiritual journey and getting a killer (real) tan on the way and here I am, spending night after night working in a girls boarding institution with a group of girls who last night informed me that they don't even like McDonalds which FYI personally offends me.

So you're probably wondering what is stopping me from just casually jumping on a plane to the deep south in search of Suz, laughter, life and a bloody good time. Well the answer my humble followers is the money, money, money. As previously mentioned. I am not great with ye olde saving. Pre the year 2000 I was amazing at it, but thats before I discovered fashion, trashy magazines, fine cuisine, not so fine cuisine and booze. Since then it's all been down hill and I blow all my cash on buying clothes not only to feed my addiction but also to impress men (it would be rude not to), grooming my rig (no banging hottie wants a chick with either pasty/speckled skin, bushy eyebrows and an out of control lady garden) and consuming in no particular order taco's, hot dogs, champagne, vodka and critically aclaimed food at a plethora of hatted restaurants around NSW with my cousin Wax. As a result, I pretty much have zero savings.

Now look I've done the math and I know what I need. To get to Bonnroo my cheapest option would be to fly Delta in to LAX. From LAX I need to change planes and go to Atlanta. From Atlanta I jump on a plane to Nashville where I would meet Sue. This would cost me about $1780 which isn't bad given the whole two internal flights thing. I won't lie, I'd have to do a stop over in Atlanta because I would want to hit Coca-Cola world and drop an absolute bomb on merch plus I'd want to try find Truth University - the setting of the acclaimed (by Wax and I) 2007 film Stomp the Yard. But anyway I figure I could do the whole shabang - flights, ticket to Bonnaroo and money for vodka fuelled party time for a round total of about $2500. Naturally all money would be spent on booze, coca cola merch, gozleme and to be honest it would be rude to not spend any left over on the purchase of a genuine Bonnaroo festival fedora. This means I would have no money to spend on accomodation but come on, it's totally achievable.

I've got a few more pay checks that will roll in before June 9th so I figure I can cover about $1250 of the cost myself. Now all I need is to work out a way to get the rest of the money together so that I can live my life long dream of a joyous reunion with my best pal in a green meadow in an undisclosed location that involves running towards each other, embracing whilst emotional music plays and tears running down my face.

I am now accepting donations.

If this fails, might have to see if my David Jones Amex limit can be increased - so I can party in the USA.

Duffster is back!

2011-04-06T14:22:00.002+10:00

OMFG. Just got word from my old mate Perez Hilton that Hillary Duff (also known as the Diffster) is all set to reprise her role of Olivia in Gossip Girl. So pumped.

Reccently my friend Probus suggested that the screen writers of Gossip Girl were losing her with this obscure Dan + Blair (DAIR) storyline. At the time I chastised Probus for being such a doubting Thomas. I am after all a true believer and as a devotee of the original Gossip Girl books in my youth, I did not object to the DAIR storyline because hello, everyone knows the guy always gets the girl in the end and thus, this obsure union was just step on the yellow brick road which will bring us to the romantic ending us fans have all been gagging for - the engagement and ensuing blissful marriage of one Charles Bartholemew Bass to Blair Cornelia Waldorf.

Ha. Suck eggs Probus, totes looks like I was right. So let this be a lesson: yee of little faith should not ever for one moment doubt the glorious writers who bring us our beloved Gossip Girl. It may be bizzare, controversial and just darn right unbelievable at times, but thats just life on the Upper East Side.

You know you love it........

oxoxo

Photo Credit: http://poptimal.com/tag/hilary-duff/

Um, are we dating?

2011-04-06T14:01:00.001+10:00

On saturday morning I was casually hanging with my gal pal Natdog. That morning my pal Natdog and I went for a casual walk from Paddington to Rose Bay in colour coordinated work out wear. Then we brunched at Simone Logue sharing a casual fruit salad and just spent the time generally finishing each others sentances. After brunch, I went to book a blowdry for next wekend for the two of us. When the lovely gent in the Blowdry Boutique asked me what time, I casually stepped outside and asked Natdog what we were doing next weekend so I could work out what time to book it for. At this very moment we looked at each other and it was then that we realised - we're dating.

Now as we all know I am very, very, very in to men. I like the way they look, I like the feel of their toned guns and other rippling muscles, I like a casual hairy chest, I like the deep sound of their voices, I like their big hands - I just really, really like men. But apparently I can't find one I like more than myself, so I seem to be spending a lot of time comfortably dating my gal pals instead.

Nat is not the first girl I have 'dated'. From 2005 to 2009 I was dating my friend Rackadillo. Then she moved back to Canberra for work so I started dating my pal McGiesha. Then McGeisha got a boyfriend (at first he ruined my life but now I rather like him) and my other eternal gal pal and BFF Sue went on a voyage of self discovery to South America so I had to branch out and this is when I started dating Nat. From the outside, we seem very normal but when one analyses our relationship, it is scary to see how compatable we are. She finds me hysterical (a must for any partner of mine), she encourages me to get lewis, we both enjoy a chat, love a dumpling and when brunching or any other type of dining, we both choose the same things on the menu then share. In many ways, like Rackadillo, McGeisha and Sue before her, we are literally MFEO. But alas unfortunately as much as I enjoy a comforting pat on the back or soothing hug from nat, I just could never bring myself to bat for the other team. I just like the rough touch of a man way too gosh darn much.

Blessing in disguise.

2011-04-06T11:47:00.001+10:00

In case you didn't already know, I thought it wise to inform y'all that my old mate Brian McFadden and his lady love Delta Goodrem have officially split up. Apparrently Brian forgot to tell his dear old mammy back in the mother country.......speaking from her home in Ireland she says "As far as I'm concerned they haven't broken up. They haven't said anything to me. I was only talking to him yesterday ."

Now look it's all very sad and I have no doubt in my mind that Brian won't deal too well with this. He'll probs hit the drugs, the clubs and fast food with his BFF Kyle Sandilands and will undoubtedly have the BMI of a heavily obese sleeze-bag within months, but let us just remember that he was punching above his weight anyway. I'm not the biggest Delta fan, but hello she's pretty banging and look at who she used to date - the Scud. Yes he has had seriously cash flow problems, a bad attitude and a few too many horrific tatts but you'd have to be blind not to notice that Mark Philippoussis is pretty banging and that together, they made a pretty attractive. Sure Brian was a little bit cute in the Westlife days, but those days are over now and he's pretty washed up.

Delta's probs pretty sad at the mo - but she was too good for Brian so I doubt she'll be mourning for too long. It's only a matter of time before she gets snapped up by another banging hottie who probs won't write a song that is altogether catchy but sadly implies a liking for boning wasted chicks.

This is horrific......

2011-04-01T09:37:00.001+11:00

I thought I'd seen the worst you tube vids of all time after I saw that guilty labrador one and Rebecca Black's Friday video. Then I saw this:

I can't work out what is worse. The slutty pashing chicks or the presenter. Both get a huge thumbs down......

Does this mean I've made it?

2011-04-01T09:33:00.001+11:00

It's official I've got a stalker. My cousin Wax told me I should be flattered but actually it's scaring the bajeezus out of me.

About 3 weeks ago I first noticed the signs. She asked me where I shopped, where I got my swimwear from and why I only ever drink mineral water. My answers were of course David Jones, David Jones and because I am trying to kick a coke habit (the soft drink, not the drug). Next thing I know she rocks up at class the following week carrying a recyclable David Jones tote (which just for the record I would never carry - not because I don't care about the environment, but because they are just so gosh darn dorky) and not one but two 250mL bottles of sparkling mineral water to get her through class. This same day she asks me if I could go shopping with her because she really likes my sense of style. I saw yes because at this point I am not scared. When she then asks me what colour I dye my hair I guess I become uneasy but for some reason don't hold back and let her know the colour and brand (Espresso - Garnier).

I guess the fear really set in midway through this week. I received the world's most passive aggressive email from her completely out of the blue at 10pm on a Wednesday night. It actually really offended me so I spent about 17 minutes trash talking her to my mum, Lozdog before I went to bed. Then when I arrive at uni on Thursday and I see her, she is nice as pie - like the email was never sent and I think to myself, ok she's a bit of a psycho - then I notice the hair...........................no freakin joke, she has had her hair cut identical to mine AND she then informs me that she has dyed her hair the same colour. That's when it dawns on me. Holy shitballs I've got a stalker.

Frankly I am terrified. It's like I am Kelly Taylor from Beverly Hills 90210 (without the whole eating disorder/booze fiend for a mum/teen rape/bizarre Dylan, Brandon love triangle) when she met that psycho bitch in rehab who altered her appearance to try and look like her then tried to gas them both in a car.

I was hesitant to write this blog, because lets be honest my stalker might have one of those 'revenge lists' but it's a tale too good to share with the world. I'll never know what it is about me that has made me the object of her obsession but amongst my fear, one thought swirls around in my mind now that I do have a stalker - does this mean I have made it?

Bannanarama

2011-03-30T23:17:00.001+11:00

So. The season finale of Farmer Wants a Wife rolled around pretty slowly given the extremely short ten day shoot as mentioned in my previous post which you can access by clicking here.

Anyhoo, I don't think I have cringed so much in any TV viewing experience since the first time I watched Freshwater Blue and that is really saying something. It's no secret to those close to me that I am quite the cynic - in fact, my brother Teddy has suggested on numerous occasions that I actually hate happy people. Now obviously that is not true because I live for musical theatre which revolves around the idea of happiness, however I do not live for two things: awkward on screen pashes and cringeworthy dialogue and FYI there was way too much of both those things happening in tonight's ep of Farmer Wants a Wife. If I had to watch one more farmer slip the tongue whilst awkwardly forcing their heaving, sweaty, plaid shirt encrusted body on to one more naive city chick I think I would have needed a vomit bucket immediately.

But enough of that chat - this entry is called Bannanarama for a reason. Throughout the season, there is one Farmer who has constantly made me uneasy and if you haven't already guessed, I am talking about 27 year old 'tropical fruit farmer', Farmer Mark.

Now look it's not because he is a ranga - I in fact dated a ranga back in 2003 (I use the term dated loosely because I think we saw each other about 3 times and there was DEFINITELY no funny business), but it was the oddly hairless, uber cut body that he flaunted throughout the series that made me squirm a little teamed of course with tonight's ostentatious display of eagerly making out on camera (Too eager? Something to prove?). Now I didn't put two and two together because hello, he's on the show looking for a wife (key word being wife) but then I saw:

a) That horrific outfit he busted out during the city stay - sorry pal but what the eff were those shoes?

b) His over-excited reaction when my main man Farmer Kieran came out alone at the end.

That was when I really started to wonder - Was Farmer Mark looking for a wife, or actually someone more a long the lines of Farmer Kieran with whom he could spend the nights dancing around to some casual Bannanarama?

Now look I am judging a book by it's cover here and of course Farmer Mark may well be completely heterosexual but exploring this issue poses a pretty pertinent question I'd say..........When is Farmer Wants a Wife going to feature its first Gay and/or Lesbian Farmer?

Photo Credit:
http://www.perthnow.com.au/gallery-e6frg3mc-1225998265504?page=4

Centrelink you ruin me.

2011-03-28T22:07:00.001+11:00

I am a mad povo with a spending problem. It's like I set fire to my paycheck every time I get it. I live like a king for the first little bit then have literally no dollars untill the next paycheck rolls in. That's why if given the option I take centrelink to allow me to maintain my lifestyle.

Now I've been on and off centrelink since 2005 and it was a beautiful relationship but I can't deny it any longer - Centrelink you are the bain of my existence.

All through my first years of university I was on blessed youth allowance. I did what I was told - I didn't wrought the system. Like clockwork I reported my income every fortnight, never trying to work the system to gain more money. Unfortunately for me I am horrific at maths and I misreported it a few times and midway through last year (a year and a half since I went off youth allowence) I got a letter from Centrelink informing me that they had overpaid me and that I had to pay back about $3000. This was not great news given that as previously mentioned I have a spending problem. Did I have a spare $3000 to give back to the government? Hell no - I was too busy going out for 3 michelin star meals in Tokyo and having optus threatening to cut off my phone bill because I hadn't paid it. Naturally I got involved in a payment plan with some casual debt collector and to this day, I still shell out about $60 a month that goes toward paying back that first debt.

This year I went back to uni and I figured I may as well go on Aus Study. Who am I to say no to free money? As usual I did the right thing, declared all my income, filled out every single form possible and accepted the boost to my income gratefully. Then last week, I got my first pay check from a new second job I have taken on (it costs quite a bit to look this good) and figured that I better declare my new earnings to Centrelink. So this morning I tottered up to Centrelink Hornsby at 9am sharp to declare my new earnings only to discover than actually they had no record of me even working my first job and that it sounded like I shouldn't have even qualified for Aus study in the first place.

Centrelink is that a joke? It's out of control how cheesed off I am. Not only are you incompetent (little trick Daddy taught me - keep copies of important paperwork. I found my initial claim for Aus study and I definitely declared my income) but you seem hell bent on targeting honest citizens like me who actually do the right thing and let all the deceitful fraudster's who take cash in hand jobs, don't declare their income and live a life of rampant hedonism funded entirely by illegally acquired government funds run free.

This time I will not go down with out a fight. Tomorrow I am going to ring my local branch and ask to have my Aus Study claim revoked. Then, in about a years time when I have forgotten this whole ghastly mess, I expect I will receive a letter demanding all Aus Study payments back even though it was your fault you mis-paid me in the first place. This is when I will come out with all guns blazing. Centrelink you are going down. I may be the under-dog but I have fire in my belly and no doubt that the great state of NSW's new Premier will be on my side.

I suggest you be very afraid.

A return to the glory days.

2011-03-27T23:10:00.001+11:00

It was a beautiful thing this morning to wake up in a state that is back in the rightful hands of the liberal party after 16 long years in the wilderness. Sure I was pretty hung after a night with my gal pals that spiraled out of control in the aftermath of the liberal victory, but not even my pounding headache or mild nausea could detract from the fact that the great state of New South Wales was now being led by Barry O'Farrell who will undoubtedly lead us down the path of righteousness.

Pals. It should come as a shock to none of you that I am a true believer - also known a a registered young liberal. Which is why I felt the need to get out of bed at 5.10am to be able to get to Kegworth public school, Leichardt at 6am on Saturday morning to set up John Falk for Balmain placards, pro liberal material and be ready to do my bit handing out 'how to votes' to members of the Balmain electorate from 8am. Why? Because I am passionate about politics and I firmly believed that that muppet Kristina Keneally had to go. Now handing out 'how to votes' is not a walk in the park. In fact, I copped more abuse that morning than I did when the fun haters hurled their drinks at me at Laneway fest (click here for more info) but I'm not going to lie -I thrive off the hate. When people call me a fascist or ask why in the world they would want to vote liberal, I just informed them among other things that change was good and labor was rubbish - sure to win a few voters over. Now call me crazy but I think I might have just contributed to one of the biggest voting landslides in the history of federation.

Now as I write this, it is still in doubt over who actually won the seat of Balmain, but the good news is that we know incumbent labor candidate Verity Firth (you know, wife of Matthew Chesher who had to resign from his role of chief of staff to the NSW Roads Minister after he was charged with possession of a casual dinger aka ecstacy) is most definitely out leaving it down to a neck in neck battle between the Greens candidate 'Mr Horny Goat Weed' Jamie Parker and my personal pick Mr James Falk. It's too close to call at this stage but at least I can sleep soundly at night from now on, knowing that the new Premier of our great state, Mr Bazza O'Fazza is promising to return honesty and accountability to government.